The Truth Hurts.

The truth from a Mommy who has buried her child.

Time does not heal all wounds.

In fact, it is just the opposite. Each day that passes, it becomes a little more difficult to breathe. As each holiday approaches you are slammed with the thought that once again you are celebrating as a family, but your whole family is not here. I have one less child to buy a Tonka Truck for and I notice the empty space in the Christmas photos. Each year as I buy presents for Israel, I think would Judah have liked this? What would he have been interested in? Judah would be 5 years old this year and I can't even imagine what Christmas would feel like with him here. To look in my rear view mirror and see 3 smiling faces looking back at me is something I think about every day.

People with the sincerest of hearts often have said that because I have been so miraculously blessed with two more precious gifts that I should be able to have a full heart and move on. It simply doesn't work that way. Having more children does not erase the pain and heartache of losing a child. My boys bring me a joy that I didn't think I would ever feel again. I laugh every single day and if you would have asked me 5 years ago, I didn't know how I could feel true happiness again. Truth be told, there is a part of my heart that is empty until I hold him again. I am incomplete.

Every single day, I wake up and make a choice. I have to. If I went purely by my heart, I would have never breathed a single breath again. The overwhelming pain and crushing weight on my heart knowing I won't see him grow, get another kiss, hear him say Mama or take him to his first day of school is too enormous for a human to handle. Instead I have faith. I have faith that we will be reunited in heaven. That he is, at this moment, praising God in a way I have yet to experience. That in heaven, he is in perfect form and without pain and that is exactly what every mother wants.

The holidays are rapidly approaching and I can feel my heart tensing. I feel like at any minute my emotions will erupt and I am not sure when it will stop. Today is one of those days where I have to make the choice to be joyful and thankful a little more often. To remind myself of all the things I have been given, not just the one that was taken away. Today is one of those days, I pray the morning comes soon, so I can hug my sweet boys and tell them I love them.

From a mommy who has buried her child, the truth is, it hurts. No matter the time, the size of the family, the amount of time spent with your child, just no matter...it still hurts.

Lysol take me away...

Mommy Confession. I HATE MUCUS. Like hate it where I turn into Kate Gosselin in the Disney World/Ice Cream episode. Every time my kids sneeze, I cringe. Today before 8:30 there were so many sneezes, I lost count. But something I can count is the number of shirt changes and that was 2. TWO changes of clothes before 9 because of mucus explosions. I went on a crazy cleaning frenzy yesterday hoping to feel a little better and it only made me tired. I have come to the conclusion that I will only feel better in a couple of days when the boys are better and one hand has a can of Lysol and the other is holding the Clorox wipes. I was keeping a running list in my head of all of the toys my boys had played with this weekend, but at this point every single item in Izzy's room is getting a bleach bath. That is like extra credit for a germaphobe like me.

On a side note... (and this may get me punched in the face by my friends)

Most babies at Ashers age are caught trying to crawl out of their cribs. Yesterday, I walk in his bedroom to find Asher stuck on the railing trying to crawl INTO his crib. He was so relieved to see me so I could offer him some assistance. It was one of those moments I wish I had my camera handy. Izzy was this way too as a baby. He would walk into his room at the same time every single day grab his blankie from his bed and bring it to me..that meant he was ready for a nap. Asher is a little more independent so I guess he thought he would just cut out the middle man.


I feel like now is the appropriate time to say this.
To all the people who told me to "just wait" because there was NO WAY I could have 2 calm, happy babies that are also amazing sleepers.... Commence Hating!


Happy Monday!