Imagine LIfe

I should totally be asleep right now, but I am too excited. I just attended the most incredible event tonight called Imagine Life, a fundraising event for Liberty Women's Clinic. You might remember that my friend Katie and I (along with Bella and Asher) did a Walk for Life event for them in the fall. That walked stirred something in me and I haven't been able to shake it since. Tonight confirmed.

With that said, I am going to be super open and honest right now...so be nice. :)
When I was pregnant with Judah and learned of his diagnosis, I was scared. Terrified more like it. I heard the words "Fatal Deformity" followed within 30 seconds by "When do you want to schedule your abortion?" There wasn't a moment, a thought, a glimmer of a thought even, with that as an option. Abortion has never, nor will ever be an option for me. I believe God is the creator of life and it is never our place to choose to end it. Now my belief in life did not take my fear away for what I had ahead of me, so I can completely understand and have deep compassion for women who are in similar medical situations or young women with less than desirable circumstances. I get it. My thoughts that first night were honestly; Will I love him? Will I be scared to hold him? Will my friends stick by me? Will my family be embarrassed I didn't have a "perfect" baby? I am human, I am insecure and I was scared. I was scared that God picked the wrong girl. I'm nobody. I'm a shy girl without a list of talents. I couldn't see God's vision for me or Judah.

But the Bible says, (Psalms 139:13)

"Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out; you formed me in my mother's womb... You know me inside and out, you know every bone in my body; You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit, how I was sculpted from nothing into something. Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth; all the stages of my life were spread out before you, The days of my life all prepared before I'd even lived one day.

Luke 12:7

And the very hairs on your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are more valuable to God than a whole flock of sparrows.

At the time, I couldn't see God's plan and even as I write this today I don't understand, but I do know that those scriptures are truth. He knew as he knit Judah in my womb that his life while short on Earth, was filled with purpose. Even further, he knew as he knit me in my mothers womb, that he equipped me and built me for all that he intended and that my purpose is bigger than I can imagine my talents to complete.

I'm shy. If my Speech teacher didn't completely love me, I would've failed. Through all of this I have spoken at 2 Women's Conferences and taped my story, not to mention the countless people I have met in similar circumstances who I have shared my experiences with. I see very little talent when I view myself, but God created me with a specific purpose and while I doubt myself, he knows exactly what we are all capable of. Tonight confirmed that the desire to volunteer to help girls hurting and confused, much like myself six years ago, to make a choice that they will be happy with for their lifetime. After Judah's diagnosis, I couldn't see past minute-to-minute. Looking back, it is simply amazing that God has used us in the ways he has and I know I haven't even scratched the surface. The thing is, it isn't just me, but every single person. Every person was created with purpose. So to think that in my county alone 700 babies (with a purpose all of their own) were aborted in 2010 is simply devastating. Especially when in my circle of friends, I have so many heart broken friends that are unable to conceive naturally.

I can't imagine my life, had I made the other choice. If I had followed the medical suggestion and chose convenience over life. I still have grief and sorrow, but nothing in comparison to what I would have if I had never experienced the love of my son and the memories of that day.

Thanks to the generous gifts of people all burdened by this cause, the clinic was able to raise $238,000.00 last night! AMAZING! It was calculated to cost $1,000.00 to save one baby, so that is over 220 babies in the next year, whose life will be protected. Believing that our county number is going to drop significantly in the next year and excited to hear the stories and make relationships in the process.

You are perfectly designed and meant for greatness! So what are you going to do with it?

Letter to Judah

Sweet Judah,

Today you would have been 6 years old. It hurts so bad to know that I have been able to survive without you, it just doesn't seem right. Six years have passed since I held you, kissed you and whispered in your ear. In my mind, it doesn't seem like six years at all. If I close my eyes, I can feel you in my arms and smell your newborn smell. I am so grateful for the hours we spent together and the love I learned from you. Your short life, taught me what true faith is and how to love in the moment. You taught me that I am much stronger than I would have ever given myself credit for, and yet today on your birthday I feel like I could crumble into a million pieces. Everyone says "Time heals all wounds", but in this, I can say it doesn't. The pain and heartache of missing you is same as the day you left. Some days it feels almost worse. I look at your brothers and realize daily all of the things that I have missed out on with you. I never got to feed you, I never got to hear your cry. No crawling, walking, birthday parties or sports. No stepping on army men, or telling you to clean your room. No time-outs and sorry kisses. But, with all that I have missed out on, I have the memory of you and that in itself is a miracle. I wasn't supposed to meet you at all. The Doctors said it was almost impossible. If I had one minute with you I was lucky, and Daddy and I got almost 7 hours to hold and kiss you. Grateful doesn't even come close to explaining how I feel for that time, but it still doesn't take away my pain. Last night, when I put Izzy to bed, I told him it was going to be your birthday. He cried. He doesn't understand why he can't meet you and he wants to know you so badly. He tells everyone about you, and how you are in Heaven. We are going to visit your grave, and sing you Happy Birthday and send balloons your way. You have marbles near your headstone, and each time we visit, Izzy cleans them and lines them up for you. He loves you so much. Judah, you are my firstborn. You gave me the very thing I had been praying for years for, to be a Mommy. You not only made me a Mommy, but healed my body from Endometriosis. I am so thankful for you and for everything you gave me. Even though I didn't get to "parent" you, you made me such a better Mommy for your brothers. I hug and kiss them double for all of the hugs and kisses I miss giving you.

Judah Asher, I miss you beyond words, and love you more than that. I can't wait to hold you again. Happy Birthday sweet boy.

Love,
Mommy

The Truth Hurts.

The truth from a Mommy who has buried her child.

Time does not heal all wounds.

In fact, it is just the opposite. Each day that passes, it becomes a little more difficult to breathe. As each holiday approaches you are slammed with the thought that once again you are celebrating as a family, but your whole family is not here. I have one less child to buy a Tonka Truck for and I notice the empty space in the Christmas photos. Each year as I buy presents for Israel, I think would Judah have liked this? What would he have been interested in? Judah would be 5 years old this year and I can't even imagine what Christmas would feel like with him here. To look in my rear view mirror and see 3 smiling faces looking back at me is something I think about every day.

People with the sincerest of hearts often have said that because I have been so miraculously blessed with two more precious gifts that I should be able to have a full heart and move on. It simply doesn't work that way. Having more children does not erase the pain and heartache of losing a child. My boys bring me a joy that I didn't think I would ever feel again. I laugh every single day and if you would have asked me 5 years ago, I didn't know how I could feel true happiness again. Truth be told, there is a part of my heart that is empty until I hold him again. I am incomplete.

Every single day, I wake up and make a choice. I have to. If I went purely by my heart, I would have never breathed a single breath again. The overwhelming pain and crushing weight on my heart knowing I won't see him grow, get another kiss, hear him say Mama or take him to his first day of school is too enormous for a human to handle. Instead I have faith. I have faith that we will be reunited in heaven. That he is, at this moment, praising God in a way I have yet to experience. That in heaven, he is in perfect form and without pain and that is exactly what every mother wants.

The holidays are rapidly approaching and I can feel my heart tensing. I feel like at any minute my emotions will erupt and I am not sure when it will stop. Today is one of those days where I have to make the choice to be joyful and thankful a little more often. To remind myself of all the things I have been given, not just the one that was taken away. Today is one of those days, I pray the morning comes soon, so I can hug my sweet boys and tell them I love them.

From a mommy who has buried her child, the truth is, it hurts. No matter the time, the size of the family, the amount of time spent with your child, just no matter...it still hurts.

How I became a Mommy

The story of how I became a Mommy started about 7 years ago. My sweet hubby and I had been married about 2 years, when I became very ill. I will spare you the details, but after months of frustration and sickness, I was diagnosed with a severe case of endometriosis. Hubby and I had been in discussion about starting a family and with this news, we felt our life plan and dreams of children slipping away. We were told this disease causes infertility, and it was likely I would lose one of my ovaries. The more he talked, the less likely it seemed I would be able to have children. I had a long road ahead, which included surgery and a 6 month treatment process. It was painful and emotionally draining, but I was willing to do whatever was necessary, so that I could be a healthy Mommy. Two months after my last treatment, I woke up really early and took a pregnancy test. It was positive! Hubby and I squealed, cried, and thanked God for his healing and the miracle of life!

Have you ever had a gut feeling about something? Not just a passing thought, but a sense of something to come? I had that early on in my pregnancy. I never shared it with anyone, even hubby, but I had this overwhelming feeling that no matter how strictly I followed the Doctors orders, something wasn't right. Well, my gut feeling became reality when my hubby and family went to the 20 week sonogram. The technician revealed we were having a baby boy and I couldn't contain my emotion. Then as I looked at the monitor, that sinking feeling came back. I tried to ignore it, but it was there. This was my first pregnancy, and I am not a technician, but something was wrong and I knew it. The tech congratulated us on our first baby and sent us on our way. I didn't even make it out the front doors of the building before I got the call. Dr. M needed to see us immediately, and that is when I knew my life would never be the same.

We waited for what seemed to be hours in the lobby of my Doctors office. No one would make eye contact with me and everyone was quiet. Finally, we were called back for the news. Dr. M. said this exact statement, "I don't know quite how to tell you this, except to just say it. Your baby has a fatal birth defect. He has anencephaly (absence of the skull). You probably won't make it to term, he will most likely be still born. If he does make it to term, he will be unrecognizable as a baby. His face will be distorted because of the lack of skull structure. He will be blind and deaf. If he lives, it could be for 1 minute or 1 month, but he will have no quality of life."
Was I still breathing? I had to check. I looked at my hubby and saw a very strong man completely broken. I looked over at my parents and saw devastation. Then Dr. M, provided what I am sure he felt to be the way out. " We can schedule you for a termination. You are young, and you will be able to have other children. The chances of this happening again are very small." I am not really sure how I formed the next few sentences, but I did. "I will not have an abortion. He is my baby, I have felt him kick and move. I will not do that no matter what." Dr. M. felt I was in shock and after a couple of days, reality would sink in and I would change my mind. He sent me home and when I walked through my front doors- I collapsed. Grief over took me. I had to think to take each breath. That is all I could do for 3 days. Just breathe.

Dr. M. and his nursing staff did not agree with my choice to continue on with this pregnancy. The opinion was that I was too young to deal with a tragedy like this. One member of his staff, contacted me several times and her begging for me to reconsider a termination, turned into screaming that I was "throwing my life away." Dr. M. informed me that he would only treat me, not the baby during our visits and that he would not do any life saving measures upon his birth. Most people ask why I stayed with this practice, and to tell you the truth, I really don't have an answer. It just felt like I needed to. I did speak with Dr. M. after the nurse situation and he promised none of his staff would be in contact with me again and I ask that he treat me like any other patient. I knew all of the medical information I needed to know, and my decision was firm.

I am blessed beyond measure to have a loving family with unshakable faith. When all I could do was concern myself with breathing, my family and friends rallied around us. Picked us up and reminded us who our God is. That is when it happened. Day 3, I picked myself up and decided to choose Joy. God knew of that day before I was even born. I felt like my whole world had crashed all around me, but he was holding me still. I just had to make a simple choice. I had 4 months left of this pregnancy and I was going to enjoy every second I had with this baby no matter the outcome. I know that God can heal all diseases and I believed for healing for my son. After months of prayer, hubby and I decided that we would name him Judah Asher, meaning-Praise, Happy and Blessed. We were going to praise God no matter the outcome and we were going to cherish whatever time we were given with Judah. And that is just what we did.

There are so many details I could share of his pregnancy, and I will eventually. His pregnancy was not an easy one, but we were so thankful for each day. On July 15, 2004, 39 weeks pregnant, I delivered Judah Asher. The room was filled with the most unspeakable peace and love, I have ever felt. Judah was a miracle. He wasn't born completely healed as many had hoped and prayed for, but he was a beautiful life. He was a chubby little baby with big full lips and beautiful skin. He did all of the things Dr. M. said to be impossible. He looked deep into our eyes as we held him. He made soft noises and sweet facial expressions. His little hands wrapped around our fingers and he squeezed tight. We were able to share him with so many people who loved him and had believed and prayed for him. We dedicated him to the Lord and it was such a powerful moment.

Another moment, I will never forget is when Dr. M. stood over me while I was holding the son he thought to be too difficult for a young mother to handle. I asked if he wanted to hold him and he did. He held him close and kissed him on the cheek. He gave me a look, that can't be described in words, but asked for forgiveness.

Soon after, Judah seemed to weaken. I remember holding him close to my face and as I closed my eyes, I prayed that if he was experiencing any pain that God would take him, because we were so blessed to have even a minute of time with him. I thanked God for allowing me to hold and love him. I whispered how much I loved him in his ear. I passed him to his Daddy for his turn and shortly after, he took his last breath. Judah Asher lived 6 1/2 hours.

The question I get asked most often is "How do you cope?" The only answer is that I have a God who loves me in spite of my weakness. I have times of pain and sorrow, but God has truly turned my mourning into laughter. He didn't just stop with Judah, he blessed us with two more little miracle boys. They have stories all their own and I can't wait to share them.


Jeremiah 29:11- "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."