Rally

This is a tough one to write, but I think it's needed.

Life isn't fair. It deals out heartbreak when you least expect it. I am here to testify to this fact, and now unfortunately my dear friends are too. Last week, in a very unexpected turn of events my friend who was 21 weeks pregnant began to have complications and they quickly turned life threatening. There was a moment, I was standing in front of the double doors of the waiting area, watching for anyone with news, and it hit me.  I could lose my friend. When she was wheeled into surgery, her chances were slim. Even though, I am  a person of strong faith, I know that none of us know the number of days we have on Earth. And yet, there I stood, weeping, waiting and begging God to save her. He did. She is now home, after several days in the hospital, numerous blood transfusions and coming back from the brink of death, she is here. I am devastated to say, her sweet boy, went home to the arms of Jesus. 

7 1/2 years ago, I walked this same road. My personal physical toll was literally no where close to what my friend has been through, but our hearts now share a bond that I hoped and prayed I would never share with any of my friends or family.  As a Mommy, you are never settled, unless you have your kids surrounding you.  When you lose a child, there is a disconnect. You lose a piece of your heart and nothing can replace it, except that child.  No matter how much time passes, you are constantly thinking of your baby.  

Years have passed, and I have had 2 perfect boys since then, but my heart still aches for my Judah. Nothing can be said. Nothing can be done. Nothing will fill that void.  I am heartbroken, to have to share these facts with my friends. How they are feeling right now, is exactly how they will feel 8 years from now.  The difference, is that with each day that passes, God strengthens your heart. Much like a bad injury, each day is like therapy for your heart. The more you talk, the better you feel. The more you step out and do the normals of life, the better you can breathe and the lighter your burden. The heartache and pain doesn't change, but your heart is stronger and eventually you can see the Joy in life again. You can smile, laugh and enjoy life. But, at first it just feels so wrong. You don't want to live without them. You don't want to have any fun, laughing makes you feel guilty.  Healing is hard. 


The Lord is amazing for many reasons, but this friendship is a great example of his goodness. I grew up with this family from Kindergarten on and we changed schools and lost touch. 3 years ago, we were reunited.  We have had lots of fun times, made lots of memories and enjoyed watching our kids grow up together.  Now this loss.  While I wish our bond wasn't deepened by these facts, I am so grateful that God aligned us so that I could walk alongside them during these difficult times.  I can say, "I know how you feel."

  At 26, I felt all alone. My friends all had perfect pregnancies, perfect babies, just perfect.  I didn't, and I felt so alone.  Everyone was uncomfortable around me. No one knew what to say. I didn't get invited to baby showers. People didn't share good news with me.  I lost my son, and after a week, everyone moved on with their lives, but my life stopped. People don't like to feel uncomfortable. People don't like to talk about things that are imperfect. But life is imperfect.  We need to love people through the imperfect times and not just when things are fun and easy.  So while my heart is shattered at the events of the last week and hurting for my friends, I thank God for our friendship and that I can be there for them the way no one knew how to be there for me.   

I also am so thankful that with time comes maturity. Many friends are still by my side from that time and we have grown together.  Many new friends have come in and blown me away with their level of servant-hood and friendship.  There are churches across our city, praying for my friends.  There is a huge group of people who have completely rallied on behalf of this family and it does my heart so much good to see that there are people who don't just say "I'm praying for you.", but walk it out. Friends of friends are making dinners, and offering time for errands and grocery shopping. It is amazing to watch and be a part of.  


In the last week, I've had a few people ask, "If you could give advice on how visitors, friends, volunteers can best handle this situation having gone through it, what would you say?"  It's simple. There is nothing you can say, that will help. There are no perfect words. So instead of trying to think of something to make them "feel better", stop worrying about the level of awkwardness.  Don't think of yourself, at all.  The golden rule, is always best, how would you want to be treated? Instead of saying the cliche' things that always come out wrong, Do. Do something, show your love. Sit with them in silence. Listen. Grab a box of tissues and weep with them. Make dinners. Run errands. Mow their lawn. Be thoughtful. Don't talk about yourself. Put them first. Don't visit to make yourself feel less guilty, visit to help. Grieving people don't want to have to comfort you, they don't want to have to entertain you. They want to grieve.  All in all, we need to be selfless.  There are so many hurting people in our circles, and it is amazingly simple to show love in a difficult time.  A small amount of time, spent doing something to help someone else will forever stay in their memories. I can think back to almost 8 years ago, and remember exactly who sat with me, unguarded, and didn't speak a word, but let me weep.  There are only a couple of those people and they have a special place in my heart. So how can you truly help someone who has lost someone? Be there for the right reasons. Pray when you say you will.  I promise, I would rather someone sit in silent support, than try to say something in awkwardness.  Not everything has an answer, and that is okay. 


Be a selfless friend today.  Rally for someone, whether you know them well or not.  You don't even know how a small act of kindness during a difficult time can impact a wounded heart. Thank you to all of my beautiful friends, for your selflessness, your kindness and for loving me enough to love strangers.  Friendship is a beautiful thing.

Hello Stranger!

Oops, I did it again.

I went on an unplanned blogging sabbatical. I didn't mean to, it's just that my life is insane busy right now, and I'm so sad, because I have JEWELS of kid comedy I should have been sharing. Forgive?

Before my eyes, my kids are growing leaps and bounds. Literally. Izzy is still growing like he is going to be Andre the Giant and Asher is 3 and yet, I can hardly tell their clothes apart anymore. Sads.

Izzy learned how to ride his bike without training wheels! I was also reminded that Grandparents and Parents want to teach completely differently.  I wanted the achievement to be incentive enough, so I reminded him of a few of his friends who can also ride without training wheels, and in the midst of my speech, my Dad yells out, "I will buy you a Happy Meal right now if you can make it half a block." Well, okay then. He got his Happy Meal.

My little Asher is a squirrel. In the last couple of months, I have noticed that important items have gone missing. I knew the culprit, but I didn't have a clue where he would take them. We were missing DS games, Gameboy charger, DS stylus, StarWars characters, and a Leapster. That is a lot of things to go missing in a short time and I was literally at a loss. I keep their rooms tidy and organized and I never came across any of this stuff. Do you know me? I am a mess when a puzzle is missing one piece. I feel like just chucking it into the trash instead of searching all over. I hate missing things. Today Asher and I did a little spring cleaning. I found all the missing things. ALL THE MISSING THINGS! I was literally crazy happy and so was Ash. But, here is what I found, DS games stuffed inside shoes and hidden behind furniture. Star Wars characters stuffed inside cars too small and hidden in random cabinets.  Gameboy chargers wrapped around GI Joe guys hidden in a bag and then stuffed behind more furniture and last but not least, the Leapster pushed all the way behind their closet organizer with baby wipes in front to hide it. What the what? Why is he doing this? He is so imaginative and can take a stick, a pencil and a post it note and make a game of it. He is fantastic that way, so I know him well enough to see how his brain was like "Clearly, I need that Gameboy charger cord to wrap up the bad guys, and then I better hide them away because they are in jail." Problem, he immediately moves on and has no recollection of what he did with anything. I am surprised he has had shoes for the last 2 months, because I found 8, eight, EIGHT pairs of shoes that had been lost, all because he had been playing with them as something other than shoes and hid them. Oh. My. My son is a squirrel.


Izzy is my sweetheart. He is a big ball of love and affection. He leaves me love notes when I am gone for 2 minutes. He paints me pictures and makes me gifts out of things in his room. Tonight, I got my hair done and he said, "Mom I can't tell about your hair, but you are beautiful."  He is going to make a super great husband some day.


In other news, I am the new PTA secretary for Izzy's school for next year! I haven't ever done anything like this, but I am so excited to be involved on a deeper level and hopefully make a difference in his school. 


I still have an AMAZING hubby. He surprised me with killer seats to our local soccer teams home opener, took me to a movie and arranged for the kids to sleep over at their Uncles. Last week, I almost died. I had a horrible, disgusting, stomach flu that robs you of all dignity and fluids. I became dehydrated in under 2 hours to the point of losing all hand /foot control and lost feeling in my extremities. My hubby had the day off, and took care of the kids, did all of the laundry, cleaned the house, cooked meals, went shopping for me, and helped me every single 3 minutes to make it to the toilet and not long after was carrying me back and forth because I couldn't do it on my own.  He is going to be the best Doctor! I haven't felt so loved in our whole marriage. When someone will carry you to the toilet, and not huff or puff a single time when you need them on a 2-3 minute basis while they are taking care of everything and a 3 year old and a 6 year old, that is LOVE! Looooooooove that man! 

Thankful to be alive and healthy, with funny kids who keep me on my toes and a Hubby who loves me at my worst. 

Book Report

Izzy's first book report is due Friday. I was SUPER excited when he brought home the information, because I was killer in this type of thing back in the day. 
His teacher provided a list of guidelines and a paper bag and we are to read the book, write a report and create the main character out of the paper bag. You know this is right down my alley. 

I started listing off books that I knew Izzy could read and would be fun to write about...except Izzy already picked out his book from the school library. I should've known better that Izzy would have already have his mind set on something and that something would be a SCIENTIFIC FACT BOOK ON DINOSAURS! Oh my. Do you know how sick and tired I am of reading fact books every night? Can I get a story about a boy running around in his underpants or something? #snore

He is adamant that we continue on with this Dino fact book, and so we will write a real snoozer of a book report and attempt to transform a paper bag into a dino. How can I do this? It is impossible, without a trip to our local craft store. Izzy and I spent some time browsing aisles and looking for anything that would work. I don't want to give it away, but we did buy felt, pipe cleaners and googly eyes. 

The hardest part of this project is going to be letting Izzy do it however he wants and not turning this into a clearly parent done craft. #selfcontrol 

The second hardest part of this project will be staying awake while Izzy reads this book. #wishiwasjoking

Pics to come....

Organize by steps.

I love to organize. It is my therapy. If you are my friend, live close by and ever need help, you know who to call. I don't look at it like a chore, it is like a real life game of Tetris. Fit the most things in a small space.  A lot of my friends look at a space and can't figure out how to start so I thought I would give a few tips that I use when organizing in my home.

Things you may need: 

A few large plastic storage bins

Trash bags

Pen and Paper

Label maker (every organize space deserves one)

Baskets/Containers

First things first, start with a clean palette. I always completely empty whatever I am working on,  as much as possible.  If you are working on an entire room, clearly removing all of the furniture isn't realistic, but remove all of the "stuff".  Once the "stuff" is laid out, you may feel overwhelmed, and wonder how it ever fit in its original space. Sometimes you have to make a mess, to get clean.

Next, is the sorting stage. As your belongings are laid out in a separate space, begin to sort through the items throwing anything away that is worn or broken. It is amazing how much you will find should actually be tossed that has been hiding away in your space, especially if you are cleaning your kids room! 

A large plastic storage bin is great for putting items that are no longer needed and can be given to friends or to a local shelter or thrift store. Mark a bin with  a simple "Give" note and as you fill the bins (I always have more than one) you can load them into your car to be taken immediately. You don't want to ever move these bins to another area, that is just moving clutter.  If the bins are in your trunk, you will be more apt to donate them immediately, especially when you need to get your groceries!

Depending on how many free bins you have available, you can start filling them with like items or make piles. I recently, worked on my boys closet. After removing every single thing and filling my trash and giving bins, I sorted by the type of toy.  Nerf guns/bullets/vests/goggles all ended in a pile. Video games, chargers, booklets, games in another. Piles of like items, gives you a visual for the quantity of items you have. My boys have a large Nerf collection, which required a large clear storage bin.  There are much more stylish decorating bins and baskets, but I have found for my young ones, a clear bin makes it so much easier for them when it comes to cleaning.  I love a label, but what good is it if they don't know how to read yet? 

After you have your sorted piles, make your way through your house or storage looking for empty containers in the sizes you need. I so rarely have to buy containers, I repurpose things I already have.  Ever been to a Sam's Club? Once, my boys finished a giant container filled with animal crackers. I ripped off the label, washed the plastic bin, made a new label and threw all of their Hot Wheel cars inside. I bet they have close to 200 and that container had room left over. My boys were so excited to have all of their cars in one place.  Izzy loves to save shoe boxes to store things like little GI Joe toys or Lego kits he likes to keep separate.  Contact paper is super cute now, slap some of that on and make a label and you can have coordinated boxes to store those small items. When I am looking for containers, I always search the kitchen aisles and think outside of the box. A silverware container could be used for paintbrushes and art supplies. I use photo boxes to store bigger art supplies, paints, markers, play doh. Buy cool folders during back to school sales, and store construction paper and finished art work. In the kitchen aisle, I found a large bin for 2.00 that was intended to store flour or sugar. I bought three and they fit perfectly in Izzy's lowest shelf for those misc. toys that have no real place. What a find! I love those websites with perfect closets and all of the bins are the same and beautiful, but most of the time, those bins/baskets are ridiculously expensive. You have things around your house that can make you more organized, you just need to look at it in a new way.  Then it is time to break out one of my most favorite inventions, the label maker. There is something about adding a label, it screams put me back in this space. My family needs that.  I have young boys, but once they know that all their dinosaurs go in the dino bin, I never have to remind them where something lives. My boys can make a mess, but I never have to clean their rooms for them. Even at 3 years old, Asher knows everything has a home and unless it is a misc bin or basket, things don't mix.  I'm telling you, a labeled bin will change your life!

When all of your items are in their labeled homes, and all like items are together, it is time to start re-loading your space. This step is really dependant on the space you're working on, but going back to my example of the boys closets, I started with what I didn't want them to have access to at all times. Start High to Low. Things you don't use as much should go to the highest spot and the things you use the most, should have the easiest access.  Symetery is important, stack things as they would appear pleasing to the eye.  Keeping like items together is important when reloading as well. This is my favorite part, because it is a challenge to find the best fit, just like Tetris.

When you have loaded your last item, step back and review.  Change anything that doesn't fit well or feel usable. Finish it up, with a quick clean up and you have a new space!

The next time you want to revamp an area in your home, remember:

1) Clean Palette

2) Trash/Give

3) Sort Like Items

4) Repurpose Search

5) Reload (Tetris) 

6) Clean up! 

Hard.

Some days, you are minding your own business, making dinner and chatting away with your Hubby when something happens. This something finally happened tonight. I knew it was coming, and even with time to prepare, I wasn't. 

My little Lovey came running after me saying, "Please Mommy, help my Bobo!" I run to their room assuming Izzy had been hurt, and when I found him sobbing in the corner, I assumed I was right. I was wrong. His first few sentences weren't understandable, but then I saw he was holding a photo album of baby Judah. He was hurt... it was just in his heart. I wrapped my arms around his limp body and he shook from his core. After a few minutes, he explains he was looking at pictures and he is hurting so badly because doesn't God know we love Judah? Did God forget I need my big brother here, not in heaven? Why do my friends get all their brothers not me? Why do some people get sick then healthy, but some people get sick and die? Doesn't God know we need him? 

I thought I would pass out, because my heart literally crushed before me.  The look on his face is a look I know so well. Grief. His body was uncontrollable and the crying was from the innermost places of his heart.  I could feel his pain as I held him. All of those hard questions, I was left to answer.  How do you answer those kinds of questions to a 6 year old? I wish I had some awesome response, but instead I just listened. I told him "Mommy understands." "I'm so sorry your heart hurts." "God knows our hearts and our aches and very soon we will get to reunite with our Judah and you won't feel like this ever again." 

Tonight, I'm thankful that my hugs and kisses were enough because nothing felt like the right answer. Sometimes, even though you know it's coming, there is just no right answer, no preparing. Sometimes, it is better to listen, then speak. Sometimes, people just need to be held and told it is okay to let it all out. 

That happened tonight, all while dinner was on the stove. 

Leave it to Asher to break the thickness. He walked right up to Izzy and said, "Bobo, I so sorry you sad. I sad too. I miss baby Judah too, but I not crying like a baaaaaby!" Our tears turned to giggles as my little comedian found the smiles in the midst of grief. Thankful, that there is joy even in mourning. Thankful for supporting and loving friends and GRACE, because I needed it tonight. 

Here is hoping that in your hard times, you are able to find a smile too.

What I want to do different in 2012

1. Give more. 
Hubby and I are always trying to give financially as much as the Medical School budget allows, but I want to be more giving of my time.

2. Control less.
You may not realize this, but I am a bit of a control freak. Moon Sand and I can't be friends because of the mess anxiety it brings. '12 is going to be the year of the relaxed Mommy. We will paint more, and stress less. 

3. Appreciate daily.
I have a great Hubby. I've bragged on him a lot in this blog, and even that doesn't do him justice. We spent November apart due to his school rotation and in that time I realized just how good I've got it. I knew it before, but when you are left with 2 kids who are the sickest they have been in life and for the entire travel month, you see your spouse and partner in a new light. You will also ugly cry when he walks in the door for a good hour. I am super good at doing special things for my kids, and now it is Hubby's turn. 

4. Stop procrastinating.
I'm an organized control freak, with a family calendar, a kid calendar and alarms for everything, yet there are a few tasks that no matter what I do to make them organized and easy, I can't seem to stop procrastinating them. 

5. Clean my room.
Truth time. If you came in my house right now, you would see a clean house with an immaculate boys room with a closet so perfectly straight, my boys are scared to get dressed in the morning. The playroom is organized and lovely and everything has a place. Then there is my Master. I don't know why, but I have a hard time keeping this space organized. It makes no sense really. If I can keep a 6 & 3 year olds closet perfect, you would think I could keep my own. Either way, I think #4 has something to do with this one. 

6. Become a better teacher.
I don't homeschool, but Izzy does take piano and we have daily homework. I want my kids to enjoy and look forward to these tasks that otherwise might not be viewed as fun, and that starts with me. Time to get creative. Also, see #2.

7. Take care of Me.
This is vague and general, but there are some things I learned about myself in '11, on an emotional/relational level that I didn't like. This year I want to be better about boundaries for myself and trusting in rest.  I also want to improve my overall health and fitness. I recently, overhauled my skin care regimen, thanks to my friend KW, the knower of all things Sephora. My skin was showing my stress level and let's face it, it's time to start the prevention track. As weird as it sounds, in '12 I need to be a little more selfish.


8. Practice patience.
I am a horrible example of patience to my children. Awful. My brain works in list form and it is difficult for me to sloooooooooooow down. I hate slow things, and being late. Well, slow things minus the crock pot. I love that thing. 


I was going to think of 12 things, but it's midnight and my brain is tired so 8 it is. This is me creating a boundary for myself and taking care of me. Look at that. 

Ashers Quote of the Day: I asked Izzy to do something and he gave me a revised plan of what he thought he should do first. Before I could correct him Ash said, "Bobo, obey your parents, children, in all the single times. Washions 3:20" 

 

 

Stranger Danger

Once again, I am apologizing for the light posting, but it is the holiday season and my HUBBY IS BAAAAAAAAAAACK! 

We have been spending every moment possible together as a family and enjoying every second of it. Well, except for a few VERY scary moments at a local store this weekend. It started out as a great family outing. Lunch and a visit with Santa. Now, Izzy doesn't believe in Santa and Asher is scared to death of him, but Izzy still thinks it is super fun to do all the Christmas traditions, and I love a good photo op. 

Scene:

Bass Pro Shop, have you been there? It is like gigantic and there are bears with giant claws, right next to a aisle of nostalgic candy. Kids love it. It is always hectic and busy...like the Walmart for Hunters, but trade seeing people in pajamas for camo. Add 2,000 extra people for the holidays and tons of North Pole decorations and you have the picture. It was busy and crowded. We were walking in a single file line through the North Pole and Izzy was a few feet in front of me when in a split second a woman in aisle grabbed him by the arm and yanked him out of sight. It took me a few seconds to process what happened, and before I could react, I see Izzy break away from her grip with a crazy self defense move and he ran back behind Daddy. I'm still frozen and trying to process. Hubby is walking with absolutely no clue of the events unfolding behind him. The lady attempts AGAIN but this time goes for his shoulder/neck and he swats her away. She happened to look up and see my face, then it hit her. She looked over and realized she was grabbing my kid, not hers. She apologized quickly and proceeded to grab her son by the neck and pull him down the aisle screaming. Izzy was terrified. I was shocked. Hubby was clueless. 

Finally, when my brain kicked in and fully processed, I was A HOT MESS OF ANGER. I wanted to find that woman and rip her apart. Not only should she not treat her child like that, I really thought for those few moments, she was trying to steal my child. Then when I realized it was an accident, it still made me mad that she handled him in such a way. When I explained to Hubby, he was angry and shocked like me. I took a few seconds to talk to Izzy and let him know how proud I was of him. I watched him fight off someone who could have very easily taken him. He did great. I told him next time, scream STRANGER! at the top of his lungs and he said, "Um, screaming makes my throat hurt, I really don't like it. I probably won't do that." Oh Izzy. For the rest of the night he was attached to me like glue. If we leave our house, he clutches my hand. He is still terrified. 

Last night, we were driving through our neighborhood and he realized that each house has a number. This is the convo that followed that thought.

Iz: "Why would you put your number on your house? Strangers will know where you live!"

Me: "Well, if we didn't our friends, family and the postman would never find us."

Iz: "Are you kidding me?!? Forget the mail! Who even cares! I don't want to be stolen! I don't want our house to be robbed because you put our number on the front of our house! This is just crazy! Take it down Mom! Don't you know that lady could find out our address now and that would be horrible. I want to live at home forever. Please don't ever let someone take me."

I am just so devastated. While in some ways, this is good practice and makes all those warnings so very real, I just hate that he has to be scared to make the realization. He has mentioned it several times every night since. Sunday night during dinner he said, "Mommy, you are the best Mommy and I don't ever want someone to take me away from you." I wanted to cry.

Moral of the Story:

People are crazy. Hunting Walmarts are packed and people will cut you to see Santa. Even if you are over-protective like me, it can happen in a flash. Keep your kids close, like on your hip. Santa will understand if you have to use Mace, it's for the kids. 

Looking back, I wish my brain would've worked faster. I wish I would've defended Izzy even if it meant fighting that crazy lady off. In crazy situations, my brain goes into slow motion mode, and maybe this is Gods way of keeping me out of jail...but, for this one time, I wouldn't have minded. I was totally dressed for the news.

Oh, and we never did get to see Santa. Turns out people line up and get cards like days before. We don't have that kind of time and I am not going back to encounter more crazies. We saw him from afar, we wrote him letters and we will bake cookies. All from the safety of our home.  

P.S.

I am adding those leash backpacks to my kids Christmas list. (joke. Maybe)