Rally

This is a tough one to write, but I think it's needed.

Life isn't fair. It deals out heartbreak when you least expect it. I am here to testify to this fact, and now unfortunately my dear friends are too. Last week, in a very unexpected turn of events my friend who was 21 weeks pregnant began to have complications and they quickly turned life threatening. There was a moment, I was standing in front of the double doors of the waiting area, watching for anyone with news, and it hit me.  I could lose my friend. When she was wheeled into surgery, her chances were slim. Even though, I am  a person of strong faith, I know that none of us know the number of days we have on Earth. And yet, there I stood, weeping, waiting and begging God to save her. He did. She is now home, after several days in the hospital, numerous blood transfusions and coming back from the brink of death, she is here. I am devastated to say, her sweet boy, went home to the arms of Jesus. 

7 1/2 years ago, I walked this same road. My personal physical toll was literally no where close to what my friend has been through, but our hearts now share a bond that I hoped and prayed I would never share with any of my friends or family.  As a Mommy, you are never settled, unless you have your kids surrounding you.  When you lose a child, there is a disconnect. You lose a piece of your heart and nothing can replace it, except that child.  No matter how much time passes, you are constantly thinking of your baby.  

Years have passed, and I have had 2 perfect boys since then, but my heart still aches for my Judah. Nothing can be said. Nothing can be done. Nothing will fill that void.  I am heartbroken, to have to share these facts with my friends. How they are feeling right now, is exactly how they will feel 8 years from now.  The difference, is that with each day that passes, God strengthens your heart. Much like a bad injury, each day is like therapy for your heart. The more you talk, the better you feel. The more you step out and do the normals of life, the better you can breathe and the lighter your burden. The heartache and pain doesn't change, but your heart is stronger and eventually you can see the Joy in life again. You can smile, laugh and enjoy life. But, at first it just feels so wrong. You don't want to live without them. You don't want to have any fun, laughing makes you feel guilty.  Healing is hard. 


The Lord is amazing for many reasons, but this friendship is a great example of his goodness. I grew up with this family from Kindergarten on and we changed schools and lost touch. 3 years ago, we were reunited.  We have had lots of fun times, made lots of memories and enjoyed watching our kids grow up together.  Now this loss.  While I wish our bond wasn't deepened by these facts, I am so grateful that God aligned us so that I could walk alongside them during these difficult times.  I can say, "I know how you feel."

  At 26, I felt all alone. My friends all had perfect pregnancies, perfect babies, just perfect.  I didn't, and I felt so alone.  Everyone was uncomfortable around me. No one knew what to say. I didn't get invited to baby showers. People didn't share good news with me.  I lost my son, and after a week, everyone moved on with their lives, but my life stopped. People don't like to feel uncomfortable. People don't like to talk about things that are imperfect. But life is imperfect.  We need to love people through the imperfect times and not just when things are fun and easy.  So while my heart is shattered at the events of the last week and hurting for my friends, I thank God for our friendship and that I can be there for them the way no one knew how to be there for me.   

I also am so thankful that with time comes maturity. Many friends are still by my side from that time and we have grown together.  Many new friends have come in and blown me away with their level of servant-hood and friendship.  There are churches across our city, praying for my friends.  There is a huge group of people who have completely rallied on behalf of this family and it does my heart so much good to see that there are people who don't just say "I'm praying for you.", but walk it out. Friends of friends are making dinners, and offering time for errands and grocery shopping. It is amazing to watch and be a part of.  


In the last week, I've had a few people ask, "If you could give advice on how visitors, friends, volunteers can best handle this situation having gone through it, what would you say?"  It's simple. There is nothing you can say, that will help. There are no perfect words. So instead of trying to think of something to make them "feel better", stop worrying about the level of awkwardness.  Don't think of yourself, at all.  The golden rule, is always best, how would you want to be treated? Instead of saying the cliche' things that always come out wrong, Do. Do something, show your love. Sit with them in silence. Listen. Grab a box of tissues and weep with them. Make dinners. Run errands. Mow their lawn. Be thoughtful. Don't talk about yourself. Put them first. Don't visit to make yourself feel less guilty, visit to help. Grieving people don't want to have to comfort you, they don't want to have to entertain you. They want to grieve.  All in all, we need to be selfless.  There are so many hurting people in our circles, and it is amazingly simple to show love in a difficult time.  A small amount of time, spent doing something to help someone else will forever stay in their memories. I can think back to almost 8 years ago, and remember exactly who sat with me, unguarded, and didn't speak a word, but let me weep.  There are only a couple of those people and they have a special place in my heart. So how can you truly help someone who has lost someone? Be there for the right reasons. Pray when you say you will.  I promise, I would rather someone sit in silent support, than try to say something in awkwardness.  Not everything has an answer, and that is okay. 


Be a selfless friend today.  Rally for someone, whether you know them well or not.  You don't even know how a small act of kindness during a difficult time can impact a wounded heart. Thank you to all of my beautiful friends, for your selflessness, your kindness and for loving me enough to love strangers.  Friendship is a beautiful thing.