Miracle #2

I promise, soon will come silly stories of my daily life as a mommy to two funny boys and a wife to a full-time Medical student. Oh yes, that story will come later too. How can you really appreciate all that is my miracle #2 without his story? So here it goes...

After I had Judah, I was told by Dr. M that we would have to wait a full year to give my body time to heal before trying for baby #2. I knew my heart would be ready any time, but I wanted to have a healthy baby, so I was willing to wait. God's timing is perfect, and 5 months later, I found out I was pregnant. Baby #2 was due September 7, 2005. Just a couple of months after Judah's first anniversary. Hubby and I were ecstatic and I won't lie..a little scared. It was difficult being pregnant again so quickly, and keeping your mind focused every day. Not letting fear overrun my thoughts was a job in itself. I was considered a high-risk patient and found myself practically living in my NEW Doctors office. Yes, I decided to go with another practice after I had Judah. I wanted a new experience and I found the perfect Doctor. Dr.J knew my history and my faith. She wouldn't ask me to do any extra tests, because she knew it didn't matter to me. 20 weeks finally came and that brings the sonogram we were all waiting for. Baby #2 was a healthy boy!!! You can imagine our emotions on that day.

Hubby and I decided his name would be Israel Ranen. We are all about meanings in this house and his name means: Promised/Joy. What could be more perfect? His pregnancy was not easy, I was very sick and in and out of the hospital. At the 6 month mark, I could barely eat and felt like the baby was going to come out of my throat. There was literally no room. One day after church, I was at my Pastors house eating when after one bite, I couldn't swallow it. I looked over at a friend and said "I think I am having this baby today. I don't even have room for one bite of food." Everyone laughed it off, but I couldn't possibly fathom how I could make it to September. That night, they started. The contractions...

Now, I had been having contractions for a while, but then they started coming so quickly I vomited. That is when the panic set in. I was only 31 weeks, I can't have a baby now. Hubby, calls Dr. J and my family and we rush to the hospital. Contractions are coming within 2 minutes of each other and I started to feel a little overwhelmed emotionally. This isn't how I planned it, I can't lose another baby. The staff started quickly taking control and I was put on Magnesium to stop the contractions...except they didn't really stop, but just slow down. Dr. J told me we had to get to the 32 week mark. Israels chances were much higher and just 3 days would mean a world of difference to his lung maturity. 3 days of Magnesium...not fun. Your mind is dull and time seems to stand still. Not to mention, your body is literally on fire. For 3 days, they were able to give the baby steroids to help his lungs and each day they encouraged me to hold on as long as I could. On July 13, 2005 (Yes, just 2 days before Judahs 1 year anniversary), Israel Ranen was born. 4.4 lbs, 17 inches long, and completely beautiful. I waited for the cry, I had so desperately wanted to hear from Judah...and then it came. A loud cry that made my heart leap for joy! They wrapped him quickly and gave me just a glance and a kiss and rushed him away to the NICU. Then it hit me....OH MY WORD, I just had 2 babies in one year! I am exhausted.

What came next you ask? An Arby's Roast Beef sandwich. It isn't a pretty detail, but it is truth. I hadn't eaten it what seemed like months and really 4 days. After eating the most delicious sandwich ever made, I got out of bed to the amazement of the nursing staff and walked my happy self over to see my brand new miracle! He was tiny, and I was in love. He was doing so well. He needed a little help with his breathing, but tested well. We visited the NICU often and friends and family came to meet our little early gift.

July 15th, came and I wasn't sure how I would handle that day emotionally. A new premature baby, an anniversary of my first son and my hormones...a lot to deal with. Literally minutes into the day at about 12:05 a.m., hubby and I were awaken by two specialists. Israel was not well and being rushed to another hospital by ambulance. My mind couldn't keep up with all of their medical explanations and realizing what day it was, made it all that much more difficult. Israel suffered a pneumothorax or a collapsed lung. Israel was the only baby in the NICU and they were giving him LOTS of attention, but mainly doing lots of tests and I guess male preemies tend to have a short temper...hold their breath when angry which can cause a pneumothorax. Instead of a quiet day, relishing in a new life, we were rushing around like mad trying to figure out what our son needed and desperate for him to be ok. I had to be released early from one hospital so that I could go with Israel to the higher level NICU. Hubby and I weren't able to stay at the new hospital, so we crashed with some super good friends for an entire month while our son worked on growing and healing. It was another blessing, staying with our friends. There was so much laughter and that was exactly what we needed. After losing one son, it is very difficult leaving another at a hospital without any control of the situation. I visited 3 times a day for 3 weeks. I held Israel on my chest for more than an hour each time and talked to him and fed him. Then one day, when we weren't expecting it, they said he could go home. He was 5 lbs and could sit in a car seat. He could swallow well enough to drink from a bottle without assistance and needed no oxygen. We took Israel home at the 35 week mark. God blessed us with 8 extra weeks with our little miracle and just when we needed it. I had a baby to hold and comfort me during a time I wasn't sure how I would cope otherwise.

Israel is now 4 years old and started Preschool last week. He is and has been completely healthy since they released him from the NICU. If you saw him now, you would never know he came into the world as such a tiny little guy. I might be biased because I am his Mommy, but his talents seem endless and I haven't met a soul so sweet. He is my Miracle #2 and he healed my heart.

How I became a Mommy

The story of how I became a Mommy started about 7 years ago. My sweet hubby and I had been married about 2 years, when I became very ill. I will spare you the details, but after months of frustration and sickness, I was diagnosed with a severe case of endometriosis. Hubby and I had been in discussion about starting a family and with this news, we felt our life plan and dreams of children slipping away. We were told this disease causes infertility, and it was likely I would lose one of my ovaries. The more he talked, the less likely it seemed I would be able to have children. I had a long road ahead, which included surgery and a 6 month treatment process. It was painful and emotionally draining, but I was willing to do whatever was necessary, so that I could be a healthy Mommy. Two months after my last treatment, I woke up really early and took a pregnancy test. It was positive! Hubby and I squealed, cried, and thanked God for his healing and the miracle of life!

Have you ever had a gut feeling about something? Not just a passing thought, but a sense of something to come? I had that early on in my pregnancy. I never shared it with anyone, even hubby, but I had this overwhelming feeling that no matter how strictly I followed the Doctors orders, something wasn't right. Well, my gut feeling became reality when my hubby and family went to the 20 week sonogram. The technician revealed we were having a baby boy and I couldn't contain my emotion. Then as I looked at the monitor, that sinking feeling came back. I tried to ignore it, but it was there. This was my first pregnancy, and I am not a technician, but something was wrong and I knew it. The tech congratulated us on our first baby and sent us on our way. I didn't even make it out the front doors of the building before I got the call. Dr. M needed to see us immediately, and that is when I knew my life would never be the same.

We waited for what seemed to be hours in the lobby of my Doctors office. No one would make eye contact with me and everyone was quiet. Finally, we were called back for the news. Dr. M. said this exact statement, "I don't know quite how to tell you this, except to just say it. Your baby has a fatal birth defect. He has anencephaly (absence of the skull). You probably won't make it to term, he will most likely be still born. If he does make it to term, he will be unrecognizable as a baby. His face will be distorted because of the lack of skull structure. He will be blind and deaf. If he lives, it could be for 1 minute or 1 month, but he will have no quality of life."
Was I still breathing? I had to check. I looked at my hubby and saw a very strong man completely broken. I looked over at my parents and saw devastation. Then Dr. M, provided what I am sure he felt to be the way out. " We can schedule you for a termination. You are young, and you will be able to have other children. The chances of this happening again are very small." I am not really sure how I formed the next few sentences, but I did. "I will not have an abortion. He is my baby, I have felt him kick and move. I will not do that no matter what." Dr. M. felt I was in shock and after a couple of days, reality would sink in and I would change my mind. He sent me home and when I walked through my front doors- I collapsed. Grief over took me. I had to think to take each breath. That is all I could do for 3 days. Just breathe.

Dr. M. and his nursing staff did not agree with my choice to continue on with this pregnancy. The opinion was that I was too young to deal with a tragedy like this. One member of his staff, contacted me several times and her begging for me to reconsider a termination, turned into screaming that I was "throwing my life away." Dr. M. informed me that he would only treat me, not the baby during our visits and that he would not do any life saving measures upon his birth. Most people ask why I stayed with this practice, and to tell you the truth, I really don't have an answer. It just felt like I needed to. I did speak with Dr. M. after the nurse situation and he promised none of his staff would be in contact with me again and I ask that he treat me like any other patient. I knew all of the medical information I needed to know, and my decision was firm.

I am blessed beyond measure to have a loving family with unshakable faith. When all I could do was concern myself with breathing, my family and friends rallied around us. Picked us up and reminded us who our God is. That is when it happened. Day 3, I picked myself up and decided to choose Joy. God knew of that day before I was even born. I felt like my whole world had crashed all around me, but he was holding me still. I just had to make a simple choice. I had 4 months left of this pregnancy and I was going to enjoy every second I had with this baby no matter the outcome. I know that God can heal all diseases and I believed for healing for my son. After months of prayer, hubby and I decided that we would name him Judah Asher, meaning-Praise, Happy and Blessed. We were going to praise God no matter the outcome and we were going to cherish whatever time we were given with Judah. And that is just what we did.

There are so many details I could share of his pregnancy, and I will eventually. His pregnancy was not an easy one, but we were so thankful for each day. On July 15, 2004, 39 weeks pregnant, I delivered Judah Asher. The room was filled with the most unspeakable peace and love, I have ever felt. Judah was a miracle. He wasn't born completely healed as many had hoped and prayed for, but he was a beautiful life. He was a chubby little baby with big full lips and beautiful skin. He did all of the things Dr. M. said to be impossible. He looked deep into our eyes as we held him. He made soft noises and sweet facial expressions. His little hands wrapped around our fingers and he squeezed tight. We were able to share him with so many people who loved him and had believed and prayed for him. We dedicated him to the Lord and it was such a powerful moment.

Another moment, I will never forget is when Dr. M. stood over me while I was holding the son he thought to be too difficult for a young mother to handle. I asked if he wanted to hold him and he did. He held him close and kissed him on the cheek. He gave me a look, that can't be described in words, but asked for forgiveness.

Soon after, Judah seemed to weaken. I remember holding him close to my face and as I closed my eyes, I prayed that if he was experiencing any pain that God would take him, because we were so blessed to have even a minute of time with him. I thanked God for allowing me to hold and love him. I whispered how much I loved him in his ear. I passed him to his Daddy for his turn and shortly after, he took his last breath. Judah Asher lived 6 1/2 hours.

The question I get asked most often is "How do you cope?" The only answer is that I have a God who loves me in spite of my weakness. I have times of pain and sorrow, but God has truly turned my mourning into laughter. He didn't just stop with Judah, he blessed us with two more little miracle boys. They have stories all their own and I can't wait to share them.


Jeremiah 29:11- "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."