Funny boy.

My Izzy is so funny. When he tells stories or says something funny, he has no idea, because to him everything is so serious, and he will tell you so if you giggle. "No Mom, really this is serious. No laughing."

Today he was having a super un-intentional funny day.

Story #1:

Hubby got home from his surgery rotation and went off to Izzy's room to play with the boys while I made dinner. I went in to see what they were up to and Hubby shared what I had missed. Izzy got a new Build-A-Bear Wolf for his Birthday a couple of weeks ago. He named it Bandit. I guess Hubby picked Bandit up and used a really deep funny voice as if Bandit was talking and said something like "Hi, Izzy how are you?" Izzy rolls his eyes and says, "That isn't Bandits voice. When he talks he doesn't sound like that." Hubby: "How do you know what he sounds like?" Izzy: "Because when he talks to me he doesn't sound like that. He is Spanish. So he has a Spanish voice." Of course Hubby busts up laughing and Izzy proceeds to tell him he is serious. "Bandit really is Spanish, Dad." So, I chime in and say so he sounds like Dora? And he said, "Yeah. He says like "Hola Izzy." LOL Oh my word. Where does this kid get this stuff? So he has a Spanish speaking fisherman wolf named Bandit. Or is it Bandito? lol

Story #2:

Izzy had a school friend over to play and swim today. Her name is Ella and she is a super cutie pie and sweet as can be. Very quiet and soft spoken which is probably why they are such good buddies. When they were swimming, I asked them if they were ready to start Kindergarten? Ella gave an enthusiastic YES! But, Izzy said, "No, I am NOT growing up." Ella informed him that she was very excited and Kindergarten was going to be so fun and she IS going to grow up and when she does she is going to be a teacher. Then she decided she was going to be a swim teacher and a teacher-teacher. :) Izzy said, "Well if I DO grow up...I guess I will be a scientist. I said, "Oh you are Izzy, why do you want to do that?" Izzy: "Mom I tell you that everyday. I want to be a scientist because I need to have a white coat that has my name on it." After a minute he added, "I love when things blow up too. So it is a perfect job."

Story #3:

Izzy got a couple of time-outs in the pool today because he was drinking water and that is unsafe and disgusting. I made brownies for our snack with Ella and I found out that he took an extra brownie when no one was around. *sneaky* He fessed up, and I told him he was grounded from TV for the day for not behaving correctly. At bedtime, I talked to him about the day and about all of the fun we had, but that we could have had even more fun if he had made better choices. Then we read the Bible and did a devotional on forgiveness. We talked about sin, and forgiveness and I told him that he should always try to do what is right. And using the brownie as an example, I told him that if he had just asked me, he would have likely been able to have another, but because he tried to cheat to get it, now he lost a privilege. I told him it was time to pray and asked if there is anything he wanted to say.
He prayed:
"Dear Jesus, I need to talk to you about 3 things I did today. 1. I didn't obey you or my Mommy. 2. I wasn't a good listener. 3. I took a brownie without asking. Those were not the right things to do and I am sorry. I am going to try harder because I don't like to be grounded from TV. I like to do what is right. Please forgive me. Amen. "

Then he tells me, "You know what Mom, God sees EVERYTHING that I do, all of the time. He knows when I do the right thing and he knows when I do wrong like when I took that brownie. That was not good. He is always watching me. He always has one eye open on me. Like this *close one eye, and exaggerate the open eye, then look back and forth*. This is how God watches me all of the time. Did you know that Mom? But, the good thing is he always forgives me no matter what I do, because he loves me. Just like you do.

He is sweet, sensitive and funny. He is going to be the perfect man someday. Future Daughter-in-law...you are welcome. Well that is, if he ever decides to grow up. ;)

We had a good run...

We made it a full 5 years before breaking something. I'd say that is pretty good. Today I was a tad under the weather and had the boys downstairs playing. House rules are, you can play in the living room, but no running. This is a hard rule to stick to, because our living room has two openings into the kitchen which makes for a pretty good race track if you will. The boys try to "walk fast" but end up in a giggly jog and then by the end it is a full on run. Which always puts them into a time-out.

So back to today, I am upstairs when I hear a huge crash. I run downstairs to find my little Asher behind the living room recliner with a look of "ohmywordIaminbigtrouble." He got his foot tangled in the cord of a floor lamp and it crashed into the hard wood floors. It looked like it got hit by a car because the metal frame was bent as well as the metal shade. The bulb...well it was in about a thousand pieces which is never fun to clean up, let alone when you aren't feeling your best. Needless to say, he got a time-out for that one. Izzy was a mess all day, because he was so worried about who was going to tell Grandma since that was her lamp. I told him not to worry that I was going to talk to her. She walked in a little later and that little stink spilled his guts before the door was even totally open! Of course, Mom was totally fine about it, and we actually fixed it minus the bulb. I made Asher come to Grandma and tell her (well I told her again and he said yes and nodded) and then he said sorry and gave her a kiss.

But, then I think, one lamp in 5 years....that ain't bad right? Never had crayons, markers, pens, pencil marks on the wall, no crazy spills on the carpets, no weird accidents or broken items, furniture all still perfectly intact minus chew marks on the crib, no permanent marker on their bodies, no self-given hair cuts. I'd say with two boys...we are doing pretty good. So I stayed consistent with discipline, but I wasn't really that upset. Maybe because it wasn't my lamp. lol

It was a frustrating day for me. Not just the lamp, but I was just frustrated with myself because I hate that middle of the road sick. Sick where you are weak and exhausted but have no real symptoms so you feel guilty for not doing all the things that are begging to be done. I didn't have the energy to play with the kids. I for sure wasn't up to being out in the heat so they could just run free. I tried to keep them busy and entertained, but nothing like I normally interact. I feel like it was a wasted day and I hate that. I feel August looming, and that means school is just days away. I have tons of play dates I want to fit into the next couple of weeks and just fun things to do with my boys. Hubby and I talked and I think we are going to let Asher have a sleep-over in Izzy's room on Friday as a special treat. They have always slept well in the same room on vacation, but we have never tried it at home. They are both excited..we will see how it goes. I'm worried that once Asher tries it, he is going to want to sleep in there every night and I am just not ready to let my baby grow up that much yet.

I am determined to feel better tomorrow and get lots accomplished. Hopefully, we can meet up with our friends at the park and enjoy the day. Here is hoping the lamp is the only casualty of 2010. :)

And yet another update

Last one..promise.

Izzy's Dr. called today and requested I bring him in at 11:30 this morning to finally get his 5 year shots. I was so relieved to finally get this over with, I can't even tell you. 11:27-We arrive. 12:38-They call us back. WHAT? Finally at almost 1:00 the Dr. and nurse came with the dreaded shots. I hadn't told him for sure that he would get shots, just told him it was a possibility. Seconds before they walked in I spilled my guts like I was getting interrogated under a hot lamp. He was devastated. I was heartbroken. But, I know my son well enough to know, that he wouldn't have slept, he would have worried for an entire day and thought of every worst case scenario (hmmm...who does he sound like?) and worked himself into a tizzy. He sat on my lap, held my hands and I told him to look away. Except he refused. He saw the needle and took a huge breath. Then she stuck him and he flinched...and did pretty good until she released the needle and blood went everywhere. Don't think that was in the plan. That was the moment that Izzy went into a partial hyperventilation mode, exclaiming "I'm bledding. I'm bledding." The Dr. and nurse just watch the blood drip off of his leg and the more blood, the more erratic Izzy's breathing got, and I started to worry he would pass out. Finally, they covered his leg and just when he thought it was all over, she pulls out the second needle and then the third. By the end, the nurse had her hands over her mouth and her eyes were watery. When the Doctor said she was all done and he had done a great job, Izzy said, "Thanks for my shots, and I promise I will feel better in just a minute." They went on and on about how handsome and sweet he is and offered him the best brand new book they had in stock and as much candy as he wanted. He came back in the room with a new book and one piece of candy. The nurse was amazed! She said, "I told him as much as you want and he just grabbed one! I love this boy." I've trained him well. Only one piece of candy at a time and he was thrilled to have that. When we were leaving he told the girls thank you again and then said, "I have to tell you, I want you to make it where I don't have anymore birthdays. I don't even care about the birthday parties. I don't want to have them because they make you grow numbers and when you do that you have to get shots and I don't want to leave my family ever. I want to stay home all of the time because I love them. Also I don't want anymore shots please." I swear I thought the Dr. was going to give him the giant bag of candy right there. He is such a sweetheart. The Doctor asked if he could come back and see her soon and he said, "Sorry, but I think I am good for lots of years." I sure hope so because that totally ripped my heart out.
After the appointment, I took him for a Happy Meal and then home to rest. He did great until we went out to dinner as a family and all of the sudden he started getting a little weepy and said his leg was sore and he was tired. Shots + no nap=A very tired 5 year old. All of the extra love didn't stop there. Papa heard he got shots, and bought him a blue Icee to help with the pain. :) I overheard Izzy rehashing his day and this is the convo:

"Papa, I got shots today. Lots of them and they stuck me in my knees. They were long needles and just just stuck them in my knees can you believe it? Now I have holes in my legs! Then that bled came out like crazy and I felt so bad for my Mom. I think my Moms heart broke a little. She cried and I cried lots. Shots are so horrible Papa. HORRIBLE!"

If you know Izzy at all, you know he will be milking this day for at least a week. He asked me to carry him to bed because "Remember Mom, I have holes in my legs now."

Glad to have this traumatic event over with, but now that it is over, I know that school is just a couple of weeks away which is going to be even more traumatic for Mommy. Pray for me. I am going to need it.

Shots update!

SO FRUSTRATED!

Get to Izzy's appointment, with only Izzy as my Mom saved the day by getting home just in time to keep Asher for me. Thank Goodness! Made it to the appointment by 12:30 as requested, filled out the paperwork that officially took 4 minutes to finish. Waited. Waited.Waited. Waited....you get the point. 45 minutes later, we are taken back to the room. Izzy answers 3 questions, BP, and temp and then we wait another 25 minutes. When the Doc arrived, she was a sweet woman who made Izzy feel very comfortable. She asked what the visit was for, I told her Kindergarten vacc's and she said, "Please tell me you are joking." Me-"Uh. Nope." Her- "We can't do those here." Me- "Please tell me YOU are joking." Her- "Uh. Nope." She offers to buy my lunch, but I turn her polite offer down. Frustrating yes, but it isn't her fault. Turns out the office is so new, they don't have the vaccinations in the office yet. So I made an appointment a week ago and wait for over an hour to find out the appointment was for nothing. Luckily, she is a sweet Dr. that goes out of her way and she is going to find out if she can get the vacc's shipped overnight and have us back tomorrow and try again. If not....I'm in trouble. School is coming quick and it is difficult to get an appointment at this point.

So thankful Asher didn't have to sit through that for nothing. Now I must take a nap and hope for a more successful evening!

Shots.

I have one of those headaches from anxiety due to taking two children to the doctors office and knowing that I will have to wait like 14 hours to get back into a hot, stuffy room. Then I get to answer 1,000 questions and then repeat the same thing when the Dr. finally comes back. Today, Izzy gets his Kindergarten vaccinations. He said he will just want me to hold his hand if he gets a shot. I didn't have the heart to tell him ahead of time, I just said it was a possibility. ???Lying??? Oh well, I took one for the mental support of the team. Of course, they need me to come in a full 30 minutes ahead of time to fill out paperwork. This annoys me because we all know I could fill that out while waiting in either the waiting room or the hot, stuffy exam room.

Hubby is in Med school and I think that every once and a while, I am going to make him take the kiddos in so he can always remember how traumatic it can be, stuck waiting forever in a room full of sickies, when you have two healthy kids. I am going to put Asher in the stroller and feed him yummy snacks to keep him happy. That is one less kid I have to worry about touching things. Yuck. Izzy, I am just praying for the best. Hoping he takes the shots well, isn't scared and doesn't start the ugly cry because within seconds Asher will follow. Today is definitely a QT drink day and then nap. I am exhausted already just thinking about it!

Therapy

I have never been to therapy, although, I have had several traumatic reasons too and probably should have. Thursday was Judahs birthday and I was emotionally spent...and still am. I am running on beyond empty. My mind is cluttered. My body feels weak. Things in my life seem to come in surges. I never just deal with one big thing, it is always like 10 big things. Example? ...well, take finding out I had a benign tumor in my jaw and had to have emergency surgery within 5 days, the same week we were moving, and Hubby got laid off. All within 2 weeks. STRESS!

The day after Judahs birthday I woke up and just had an urge to organize something. I started with the boys closets. I do both often, probably once a month. But this time, I went shopping and bought some organizational bins, much needed after the boys birthdays, and 2 hanging clothes organizers. I gutted everything and started from scratch and within just a couple of hours, I had it looking like a perfect little Gap store inside. Clothes perfectly rolled, folded, and hung according to color, season and purpose. Izzy now has a shelf just for play clothes, so when he wants to dress himself he knows where he can pull from. This has made my laundry life so much easier already because I am not constantly trying to find clothes I thought were already clean just to find out he put them on for 5 minutes and then threw them in the dirty basket. I showed Hubby my work and he was very impressed. Izzy loves his closet and has been great about putting everything exactly where it goes. He is just like his Momma!

After the closets, I felt like I could breathe again. I know it is weird, but it works. When I shared all of my accomplishments with my cousin Melissa, she said "Organization is your therapy." So true. When I am emotionally spent, the best way for me to get back on track is to get things in order. I have heard before that the state of your house is a window into your mental state. If you have a cluttered, messy house, it reflects the same kind of mind. This summer has been a blur. Everything has moved so fast and I only had a day or two in between huge events and trips. Was my house out of control..no. But, surface clean is no good for me. I think of everything that needs to be done and I get overwhelmed. I have several projects I will be working on over the next month, one is my room and master closet. The other is my Dads office. His office is a hot mess. He is a musician. He runs a company. He is an avid reader. On top of all of that he literally saves EVERYTHING and wants a file for it. God love 'em. Once the kids were in bed, I spent the rest of the night making folders and labels. Sounds boring i'm sure, but I enjoyed it so much. I love the accomplishment of making a "spot" for everything. This office is going to be a huge challenge as he has so many different facets to fit in to one area. He has so many books, it could double as a library. Piles upon piles of music sheets and CD's. Cards and letters from the 80's to now and we haven't even got to all of his work files. I can't even think that far. It's a lot, but I am excited to have a big project I can plug away at and relieve some stress and have it be time well spent.

I think I will be making lots of appointments in the next few weeks with my therapist- the label maker. I might even take some before and after pictures. Lucky you. :) With Hubby back to his schedule, I think I am going to start making time for myself each night to work on these projects. My goal is to be completely organized by the time Izzy starts Kindergarten. That way we can all start on the right foot and Mommy's head is clear and focused for the enormous amounts of paperwork and appointments that comes with having a little one in school.

So, what's your therapy?

Judah's 6th Birthday

I've almost made it. I am sure that sounds horrible, but this day each year is so painful and when I wake up tomorrow it will be a new day with a new frame of mind. I missed my baby so much my skin hurt. I could barely get myself out of bed. Today physically feels just like his first birthday. Before my eyes opened the weight of what the day meant hit my heart like a grand piano from 100 stories up. I remember aching to hold him so badly that my skin literally hurt like I was bruised over my entire body. Today is the same. The smallest things seem utterly impossible. Taking a shower was like brain surgery. Honestly, 2 things got me out of bed today and their names are Izzy and Asher.

I am so blessed because it is days like today, you know who really loves you. I have a lot of people who honestly love me. The voicemails and gestures I received today were beyond sweet. This morning, I was lying in bed uncontrollably weeping. The doorbell rang, and I heard I got a package. I almost ignored it, but instead cleaned myself up to find out what was going on. With all of the birthdays this week, I assumed it was for Izzy. I was wrong. I received a huge black box from FTD, full of pink and red roses and with the most loving card from my cousins in Maine. Then I wept in the kitchen for like 15 minutes. At least. Izzy came over and said, "Mom, I know you are crying cause those flowers are just so beautiful...but it is ok." Then Asher came over and kissed me on the leg. The flowers, and the little gestures from my boys gave me the encouragement I needed to face the rest of the day.



So I got dressed. I got the boys dressed and we headed out to visit Judahs gravesite. We made a stop at a local grocery store to pick up balloons. Each year, we take the boys to visit Judah and we say a prayer, sing Happy Birthday, kiss the balloons and let them go to Heaven. I ran into the store and asked for 4 balloons to be filled and while I was waiting the clerk asked a normal question.."Who are these for?" Me: "My son, it's his birthday." Clerk: "Oh sweet, how old is the little guy." Now this is where I always feel bad for the person on the other end of the convo...they don't see it coming at all. Me: "He passed away, but today he would be six years old." Clerk: "OH Ma'am! I am so sorry, I just can't even imagine. In fact, my daughter is in the hospital right now with my little grandbaby and things aren't looking good and I am really really worried." Then she was quiet for a minute, and I realized she was crying. When she turned to give me my order, she had tears streaming down her face and she asked if she could make them prettier for me or do anything extra and I told her they were just perfect and I really appreciated all of her help. She wiped her face and she said, "It was so nice meeting you, and I am so sorry about your son. I hope today is beautiful." I told her thank you and that I would be praying for her grandbaby and then she started crying again and walked off slowly. Those little things, it just blows my mind, how my story somehow everywhere I go has an effect on others who hear it. Something about what happened to me just completely breaks down walls and strangers just spill their stories and there are no walls, and they just become totally emotionally unguarded. It helped me so much, because before that, I really felt like I wasn't going to be able to hold it together in front of my boys and for some reason, being in that store and sharing that short time with that sweet woman, just reminded me that I am strong and I am not the only person in the world who has felt this loss...even though most times it feels like it.

We made it out to "Judah's house" as Izzy calls it. It was a beautiful day and my boys knew just what to do. They cleaned off his headstone, and talked to him sweetly. There are marbles from his first birthday that are still there, and each year Izzy cleans and arranges them. This time, he also left a Hot Wheel as a little present. We took a few pictures and then we just talked. I told Izzy, that he can just say however he feels and so he did:
"Brother, I wished you didn't died. I just want to meet you. I love you so much and we really miss you. Hopefully next time you won't be died and I can see you. I love you baby Judah." Then he leaned down and kissed the lion on the headstone.

Heart-wrenching to say the least. Asher just followed Izzy's lead and arranged and cleaned and kissed the headstone. After a while, we each took a balloon, wished him a Happy Birthday, kissed it and then let it go while singing the Happy Birthday song. The kids love that part, I think it makes them feel connected and you really do feel like you are sending a little present to heaven.




The whole experience was so precious and sweet and I couldn't be prouder of my boys. Hubby asked if we should get a ice-cream treat to celebrate the special day and so we did and after such an emotional experience, it is just what we needed to regulate our blood sugar.

The rest of the night was quiet, as I was pretty much emotionally spent by nap-time. Hubby took over for me and I rested the remainder of the night, really without choice because when you are so emotional it just manifests physically and I almost asked for a bedpan at one point, because getting out of bed just seemed impossible.

I am going to tell you a little something about myself. I am a control freak. I am a planner, I make lists. I love surprises when it is a gift, but dislike them otherwise. I lie in bed at night and try to stay ahead of the game by thinking of all possible scenarios and how I can avoid any pitfalls. Today is not a day I can control. I can't for see anything because my heart can't plan. My heart isn't Type A. It just feels what it feels and on this day, the floodgates open and my heart just releases everything. I think that is a little of why today is so difficult for me. I feel 100% out of control. I couldn't save my son. I couldn't be healthy enough, I couldn't do anything more. Today is a difficult day for my family. But with all of the pain and heartache, there is just as many giggles, smiles hugs and kisses.

I heard Izzy whisper to his Daddy to find out if it was okay to come talk to me and when he came in my room, he popped his head in and said, "Good Morning Gorgeous!" Which made me giggle because that is the complete opposite of how I felt today. It is so hard to explain to people how I can in one day feel 100% blessed and so beyond in love and yet be in so much pain I can't take a breath without feeling like it is a choice. I can't imagine what my day would have been like without the love and support from my Hubby and my two little guys. More over, I can't even fathom how I would make it through a single minute of today without my faith. Knowing that God loves me more than I love my children and knowing that all day long, my family and friends were thinking and praying for me and my Husband.

So to all of you that showed us love and support today, thank you. You helped me get through the day and made me feel very loved in the process.

Letter to Judah

Sweet Judah,

Today you would have been 6 years old. It hurts so bad to know that I have been able to survive without you, it just doesn't seem right. Six years have passed since I held you, kissed you and whispered in your ear. In my mind, it doesn't seem like six years at all. If I close my eyes, I can feel you in my arms and smell your newborn smell. I am so grateful for the hours we spent together and the love I learned from you. Your short life, taught me what true faith is and how to love in the moment. You taught me that I am much stronger than I would have ever given myself credit for, and yet today on your birthday I feel like I could crumble into a million pieces. Everyone says "Time heals all wounds", but in this, I can say it doesn't. The pain and heartache of missing you is same as the day you left. Some days it feels almost worse. I look at your brothers and realize daily all of the things that I have missed out on with you. I never got to feed you, I never got to hear your cry. No crawling, walking, birthday parties or sports. No stepping on army men, or telling you to clean your room. No time-outs and sorry kisses. But, with all that I have missed out on, I have the memory of you and that in itself is a miracle. I wasn't supposed to meet you at all. The Doctors said it was almost impossible. If I had one minute with you I was lucky, and Daddy and I got almost 7 hours to hold and kiss you. Grateful doesn't even come close to explaining how I feel for that time, but it still doesn't take away my pain. Last night, when I put Izzy to bed, I told him it was going to be your birthday. He cried. He doesn't understand why he can't meet you and he wants to know you so badly. He tells everyone about you, and how you are in Heaven. We are going to visit your grave, and sing you Happy Birthday and send balloons your way. You have marbles near your headstone, and each time we visit, Izzy cleans them and lines them up for you. He loves you so much. Judah, you are my firstborn. You gave me the very thing I had been praying for years for, to be a Mommy. You not only made me a Mommy, but healed my body from Endometriosis. I am so thankful for you and for everything you gave me. Even though I didn't get to "parent" you, you made me such a better Mommy for your brothers. I hug and kiss them double for all of the hugs and kisses I miss giving you.

Judah Asher, I miss you beyond words, and love you more than that. I can't wait to hold you again. Happy Birthday sweet boy.

Love,
Mommy

Letter to Izzy

My sweet Israel-

Today you turned 5 years old! It is so hard to explain what an achievement that is, since you came into the world the way you did-two months early. After losing your brother, it was a very scary time, but Daddy and I were determined to stay positive and be thankful for every breath. You were a fighter and let people know when you had been pushed too far, but the rest of the time, you were quiet and sweet. Not much has changed. You are sweet as sugar and could double as a motivational speaker. You are always positive. If something doesn't work for you, you say something like "That's okay, I won't cry or get mad. I will just keep trying and put a smile on my face." Speaking of your smile, it lights up a room. You have turned into a little social butterfly who loves everyone and within an instant gets everyone to love you right back. You are charming, witty, sweet and thoughtful. You shower me with compliments everyday. I have no excuse for low self-esteem with you around.
Izzy, you are the best big brother. You have never once hit your brother or hurt him in anyway. You are protective and loving and try to show him the right way to do things. Sometimes you are like a little Daddy to Asher, you like to give him direction and he is always ready to follow. You and Asher love to crawl into bed together and pretend to take a nap.
You love to do anything if you have a buddy. Swimming, biking, walking, gardening, playing, reading...literally anything if you get to have someones company. You love to talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk. The questions never end, sometimes it is a lot, but you just love to understand everything. You remind me a lot of Papa. He hasn't met a stranger and you are very much the same. If you get a hair cut by someone new, by the end of the cut, you are best friends and they know everything about you.
You amaze us daily with how smart you are and how quickly you can pick up anything. Sports, computers, games, music, everything seems to come easily to you.

Last night, I interviewed you for the last time as a four-year-old and these are some of your answers:

What do you think you will be when you grow up?
-I'm not going to grow up anymore. I am going to stay 5 forever because I don't never want to leave you. Never. I like being little.

What is your favorite color?
- It used to be blue, but now it is grey because I just like it. I think it is cooler and better.

Who is your best friend?
- Hmmmm... J,T,L are my best friends because they are my cousins. But I have lots of best friends.

What is your favorite thing to do?
-Swimming!

Do you like being a big brother?
-I love my brother. He is my best. I just love him so much because God made him for me.

Are you ready to go to Kindergarten?
-Somebody lied to me. I thought I didn't have anymore school when I was done with preschool!!!! (totally serious) Who would lie to me Mom? (Insert explanation of Summer) Someone lied to me. I don't want to go to school no more! I want to stay at home with my family all day because I love you guys.

Five years old. Mommy is so proud of you. You are such a good boy, and such a heart of obedience. I couldn't ask for anything better. This next year is going to be full of lots of changes, but I know you are going to do great at everything, this year and for the rest of your life. I know, because God made you special and you were meant to do big things. And when you are kind to people and always have a positive attitude, you can do anything.

Thank you for filling Mommy's heart with a joy I hadn't known before. Thank you for 5 years of smiles, laughs and a full heart. Mommy, Daddy and Asher love you so much!

Happy 5th Birthday Bobo! xoxoxoxo

I'm a big baby.

It's official. I am a big baby. Hubby and I took all of the boys (3 nephews and our 2) to see Toy Story 3. It was hilarious, and so sad and I could barely hold back the ugly cry at the end.
I will spare details of the movie, because I don't want to spoil it, but our little Andy is growing up. Every mother out there who has seen this movie probably shed a tear just like me because we have all watched Andy grow up, and we can easily substitute our own little ones in the story line. I was holding my 2 year old Asher at the very end of the movie and found myself squeezing his little chubby legs and rubbing his hands, silently begging that he would stay this little forever.

This is also not really a great time for me to see anything that brings out the "emo" in me because next week is full of emotion. Next week is what I like to call Birthday week.

7/13-Izzy
7/14- Nephew "L"
7/15-Judah (who would be 6 this year.)
7/16-Dad

Does anyone else have a crazy week like that or does it just keep happening to our family? Ashers original due date was 7/7 so can you imagine? lol Thank goodness he came a little earlier than expected.

My miracle baby Izzy is turning 5 years old. Just writing that sentence made me get all "pre-weepy". 2 days later, we will celebrate our first sons short life and continue to try to explain and be there for our sons when it is almost physically impossible for me to move on that day. It is such a mixture that day, we are so happy that we were blessed to have even a minute with Judah and yet, my body and heart literally ache for him especially on that day. It all normally starts for me on July 1st. I start to feel all anxious and clammy. I know it is coming and I can't seem to control my feelings. By his birthday, I can barely breathe. It is hard for me to make it through the day and I give myself that one day to just "be real" and feel however I feel.

I think we will take balloons to his grave like we did last year with the boys and talk and answer questions and then let the balloons go with a prayer and a Happy Birthday! Izzy loved doing that last year and he cried when he left which is completely heart breaking. He asked why he couldn't meet his brother and when will he ever get to play with him. Ugh...hard questions. Sure there will be more this year, and I think I am more prepared.

This summer is super emotional for me, Asher turned 2, Izzy is turning 5 and about to go into full day Kindergarten. Which brings me back to Toy Story, it was amazing. We totally want to buy it, but I don't think I can watch it again until this summer is over. Because I am a big baby.

Random..

2 more days staying with my sweet nephews.

2 more nights of sleeping in a queen sized bed with my hubby's knee in my back.

1 more day of waking up at 6 to take someone to swim practice.

2 more days of cooking for an army of boys who eat like the Earth is going to flood again and they will never see a piece of nourishment again.

2 more days of someone else putting away laundry for me, emptying the dishwasher and cleaning up after dinner. It is WONDERFUL!

2 more days to put off all of my regularly scheduled stuff.

2 more days until I get my DVR back!!! Oh I have missed that thing!

I will miss my nephews more and I am going to be so sad to leave. :(

8 days

I have 3 nephews, J & T- 14 year old twins and L who will soon be 12. Their parents are currently in Europe traveling for 8 days and we are staying with them until their return. Right now, I am a mother to 5 boys and I am LOVING IT! It is a lot of cooking, a lot of cleaning up and a lot of repeating...but they are amazing and obedient and super loving. They have extremely similar personalities to my boys which means the house is fun but calm. My little ones are so excited to get some special time with their cousins and I am just as happy to bond with the guys who have grown so fast. Their Mom and I were best friends before I married my Hubby (if that is confusing, she is married to my bro-in-law) so I have watched them grow since the twins were one. When they were babies, they felt like my own and I spent so much time with them, they could have been. As kids grow, life gets busy and it is hard to spend as much time together, so I am soaking all of this stay up I can. This is the summer before High School. As I write this, I am listening to the twins talk to Hubby about sports and their voices are just as low as his. HOW did this happen?

Something surprising has come out of this stay, I look at Izzy as little again. For a while, I have been feeling like he is a big boy and it has broken my heart. He is the big boy at our house, but I need to remember he is still a little boy and when put in a house of teenagers, it puts it all in perspective. His sweet soft voice, his requests for help, and complete innocence and excitement for everything, it goes so fast and I need to let him be little while he can, which includes making mistakes and learning.

The schedule around here is crazy and they went easy on us. L has swim practices and meets, twins have competitive baseball non-stop and football practices. Most of it, their parents let them skip except for the mandatory events like the baseball tournament they are in this weekend. I took the little ones to one of the games last night and the catcher got his nose broken by a player sliding in with metal cleats. OUCH! Makes me appreciate the fun of T-ball!

I have lots of stuff I would love to do while we stay here, but I don't know if the weather is going to cooperate with me. Rain is being called for the next 7 days, which is totally making me nervous because Izzy's 5th Birthday party is scheduled for next Saturday! Let the prayers begin!

Staying here has also pretty much cemented the fact that I would like to have another baby. We are in talks...negotiations. Gotta figure out the timing and get my body ready. It has been a great few days here with my 5 boys. Hoping for some sunshine for the day..maybe a pool day and then a movie in the park tonight!