Letter to Judah

Sweet Judah,

Today you would have been 6 years old. It hurts so bad to know that I have been able to survive without you, it just doesn't seem right. Six years have passed since I held you, kissed you and whispered in your ear. In my mind, it doesn't seem like six years at all. If I close my eyes, I can feel you in my arms and smell your newborn smell. I am so grateful for the hours we spent together and the love I learned from you. Your short life, taught me what true faith is and how to love in the moment. You taught me that I am much stronger than I would have ever given myself credit for, and yet today on your birthday I feel like I could crumble into a million pieces. Everyone says "Time heals all wounds", but in this, I can say it doesn't. The pain and heartache of missing you is same as the day you left. Some days it feels almost worse. I look at your brothers and realize daily all of the things that I have missed out on with you. I never got to feed you, I never got to hear your cry. No crawling, walking, birthday parties or sports. No stepping on army men, or telling you to clean your room. No time-outs and sorry kisses. But, with all that I have missed out on, I have the memory of you and that in itself is a miracle. I wasn't supposed to meet you at all. The Doctors said it was almost impossible. If I had one minute with you I was lucky, and Daddy and I got almost 7 hours to hold and kiss you. Grateful doesn't even come close to explaining how I feel for that time, but it still doesn't take away my pain. Last night, when I put Izzy to bed, I told him it was going to be your birthday. He cried. He doesn't understand why he can't meet you and he wants to know you so badly. He tells everyone about you, and how you are in Heaven. We are going to visit your grave, and sing you Happy Birthday and send balloons your way. You have marbles near your headstone, and each time we visit, Izzy cleans them and lines them up for you. He loves you so much. Judah, you are my firstborn. You gave me the very thing I had been praying for years for, to be a Mommy. You not only made me a Mommy, but healed my body from Endometriosis. I am so thankful for you and for everything you gave me. Even though I didn't get to "parent" you, you made me such a better Mommy for your brothers. I hug and kiss them double for all of the hugs and kisses I miss giving you.

Judah Asher, I miss you beyond words, and love you more than that. I can't wait to hold you again. Happy Birthday sweet boy.

Love,
Mommy