I've almost made it. I am sure that sounds horrible, but this day each year is so painful and when I wake up tomorrow it will be a new day with a new frame of mind. I missed my baby so much my skin hurt. I could barely get myself out of bed. Today physically feels just like his first birthday. Before my eyes opened the weight of what the day meant hit my heart like a grand piano from 100 stories up. I remember aching to hold him so badly that my skin literally hurt like I was bruised over my entire body. Today is the same. The smallest things seem utterly impossible. Taking a shower was like brain surgery. Honestly, 2 things got me out of bed today and their names are Izzy and Asher.
I am so blessed because it is days like today, you know who really loves you. I have a lot of people who honestly love me. The voicemails and gestures I received today were beyond sweet. This morning, I was lying in bed uncontrollably weeping. The doorbell rang, and I heard I got a package. I almost ignored it, but instead cleaned myself up to find out what was going on. With all of the birthdays this week, I assumed it was for Izzy. I was wrong. I received a huge black box from FTD, full of pink and red roses and with the most loving card from my cousins in Maine. Then I wept in the kitchen for like 15 minutes. At least. Izzy came over and said, "Mom, I know you are crying cause those flowers are just so beautiful...but it is ok." Then Asher came over and kissed me on the leg. The flowers, and the little gestures from my boys gave me the encouragement I needed to face the rest of the day.
So I got dressed. I got the boys dressed and we headed out to visit Judahs gravesite. We made a stop at a local grocery store to pick up balloons. Each year, we take the boys to visit Judah and we say a prayer, sing Happy Birthday, kiss the balloons and let them go to Heaven. I ran into the store and asked for 4 balloons to be filled and while I was waiting the clerk asked a normal question.."Who are these for?" Me: "My son, it's his birthday." Clerk: "Oh sweet, how old is the little guy." Now this is where I always feel bad for the person on the other end of the convo...they don't see it coming at all. Me: "He passed away, but today he would be six years old." Clerk: "OH Ma'am! I am so sorry, I just can't even imagine. In fact, my daughter is in the hospital right now with my little grandbaby and things aren't looking good and I am really really worried." Then she was quiet for a minute, and I realized she was crying. When she turned to give me my order, she had tears streaming down her face and she asked if she could make them prettier for me or do anything extra and I told her they were just perfect and I really appreciated all of her help. She wiped her face and she said, "It was so nice meeting you, and I am so sorry about your son. I hope today is beautiful." I told her thank you and that I would be praying for her grandbaby and then she started crying again and walked off slowly. Those little things, it just blows my mind, how my story somehow everywhere I go has an effect on others who hear it. Something about what happened to me just completely breaks down walls and strangers just spill their stories and there are no walls, and they just become totally emotionally unguarded. It helped me so much, because before that, I really felt like I wasn't going to be able to hold it together in front of my boys and for some reason, being in that store and sharing that short time with that sweet woman, just reminded me that I am strong and I am not the only person in the world who has felt this loss...even though most times it feels like it.
We made it out to "Judah's house" as Izzy calls it. It was a beautiful day and my boys knew just what to do. They cleaned off his headstone, and talked to him sweetly. There are marbles from his first birthday that are still there, and each year Izzy cleans and arranges them. This time, he also left a Hot Wheel as a little present. We took a few pictures and then we just talked. I told Izzy, that he can just say however he feels and so he did:
"Brother, I wished you didn't died. I just want to meet you. I love you so much and we really miss you. Hopefully next time you won't be died and I can see you. I love you baby Judah." Then he leaned down and kissed the lion on the headstone.
Heart-wrenching to say the least. Asher just followed Izzy's lead and arranged and cleaned and kissed the headstone. After a while, we each took a balloon, wished him a Happy Birthday, kissed it and then let it go while singing the Happy Birthday song. The kids love that part, I think it makes them feel connected and you really do feel like you are sending a little present to heaven.
The whole experience was so precious and sweet and I couldn't be prouder of my boys. Hubby asked if we should get a ice-cream treat to celebrate the special day and so we did and after such an emotional experience, it is just what we needed to regulate our blood sugar.
The rest of the night was quiet, as I was pretty much emotionally spent by nap-time. Hubby took over for me and I rested the remainder of the night, really without choice because when you are so emotional it just manifests physically and I almost asked for a bedpan at one point, because getting out of bed just seemed impossible.
I am going to tell you a little something about myself. I am a control freak. I am a planner, I make lists. I love surprises when it is a gift, but dislike them otherwise. I lie in bed at night and try to stay ahead of the game by thinking of all possible scenarios and how I can avoid any pitfalls. Today is not a day I can control. I can't for see anything because my heart can't plan. My heart isn't Type A. It just feels what it feels and on this day, the floodgates open and my heart just releases everything. I think that is a little of why today is so difficult for me. I feel 100% out of control. I couldn't save my son. I couldn't be healthy enough, I couldn't do anything more. Today is a difficult day for my family. But with all of the pain and heartache, there is just as many giggles, smiles hugs and kisses.
I heard Izzy whisper to his Daddy to find out if it was okay to come talk to me and when he came in my room, he popped his head in and said, "Good Morning Gorgeous!" Which made me giggle because that is the complete opposite of how I felt today. It is so hard to explain to people how I can in one day feel 100% blessed and so beyond in love and yet be in so much pain I can't take a breath without feeling like it is a choice. I can't imagine what my day would have been like without the love and support from my Hubby and my two little guys. More over, I can't even fathom how I would make it through a single minute of today without my faith. Knowing that God loves me more than I love my children and knowing that all day long, my family and friends were thinking and praying for me and my Husband.
So to all of you that showed us love and support today, thank you. You helped me get through the day and made me feel very loved in the process.
(((huga)))
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