How I became a Mommy

The story of how I became a Mommy started about 7 years ago. My sweet hubby and I had been married about 2 years, when I became very ill. I will spare you the details, but after months of frustration and sickness, I was diagnosed with a severe case of endometriosis. Hubby and I had been in discussion about starting a family and with this news, we felt our life plan and dreams of children slipping away. We were told this disease causes infertility, and it was likely I would lose one of my ovaries. The more he talked, the less likely it seemed I would be able to have children. I had a long road ahead, which included surgery and a 6 month treatment process. It was painful and emotionally draining, but I was willing to do whatever was necessary, so that I could be a healthy Mommy. Two months after my last treatment, I woke up really early and took a pregnancy test. It was positive! Hubby and I squealed, cried, and thanked God for his healing and the miracle of life!

Have you ever had a gut feeling about something? Not just a passing thought, but a sense of something to come? I had that early on in my pregnancy. I never shared it with anyone, even hubby, but I had this overwhelming feeling that no matter how strictly I followed the Doctors orders, something wasn't right. Well, my gut feeling became reality when my hubby and family went to the 20 week sonogram. The technician revealed we were having a baby boy and I couldn't contain my emotion. Then as I looked at the monitor, that sinking feeling came back. I tried to ignore it, but it was there. This was my first pregnancy, and I am not a technician, but something was wrong and I knew it. The tech congratulated us on our first baby and sent us on our way. I didn't even make it out the front doors of the building before I got the call. Dr. M needed to see us immediately, and that is when I knew my life would never be the same.

We waited for what seemed to be hours in the lobby of my Doctors office. No one would make eye contact with me and everyone was quiet. Finally, we were called back for the news. Dr. M. said this exact statement, "I don't know quite how to tell you this, except to just say it. Your baby has a fatal birth defect. He has anencephaly (absence of the skull). You probably won't make it to term, he will most likely be still born. If he does make it to term, he will be unrecognizable as a baby. His face will be distorted because of the lack of skull structure. He will be blind and deaf. If he lives, it could be for 1 minute or 1 month, but he will have no quality of life."
Was I still breathing? I had to check. I looked at my hubby and saw a very strong man completely broken. I looked over at my parents and saw devastation. Then Dr. M, provided what I am sure he felt to be the way out. " We can schedule you for a termination. You are young, and you will be able to have other children. The chances of this happening again are very small." I am not really sure how I formed the next few sentences, but I did. "I will not have an abortion. He is my baby, I have felt him kick and move. I will not do that no matter what." Dr. M. felt I was in shock and after a couple of days, reality would sink in and I would change my mind. He sent me home and when I walked through my front doors- I collapsed. Grief over took me. I had to think to take each breath. That is all I could do for 3 days. Just breathe.

Dr. M. and his nursing staff did not agree with my choice to continue on with this pregnancy. The opinion was that I was too young to deal with a tragedy like this. One member of his staff, contacted me several times and her begging for me to reconsider a termination, turned into screaming that I was "throwing my life away." Dr. M. informed me that he would only treat me, not the baby during our visits and that he would not do any life saving measures upon his birth. Most people ask why I stayed with this practice, and to tell you the truth, I really don't have an answer. It just felt like I needed to. I did speak with Dr. M. after the nurse situation and he promised none of his staff would be in contact with me again and I ask that he treat me like any other patient. I knew all of the medical information I needed to know, and my decision was firm.

I am blessed beyond measure to have a loving family with unshakable faith. When all I could do was concern myself with breathing, my family and friends rallied around us. Picked us up and reminded us who our God is. That is when it happened. Day 3, I picked myself up and decided to choose Joy. God knew of that day before I was even born. I felt like my whole world had crashed all around me, but he was holding me still. I just had to make a simple choice. I had 4 months left of this pregnancy and I was going to enjoy every second I had with this baby no matter the outcome. I know that God can heal all diseases and I believed for healing for my son. After months of prayer, hubby and I decided that we would name him Judah Asher, meaning-Praise, Happy and Blessed. We were going to praise God no matter the outcome and we were going to cherish whatever time we were given with Judah. And that is just what we did.

There are so many details I could share of his pregnancy, and I will eventually. His pregnancy was not an easy one, but we were so thankful for each day. On July 15, 2004, 39 weeks pregnant, I delivered Judah Asher. The room was filled with the most unspeakable peace and love, I have ever felt. Judah was a miracle. He wasn't born completely healed as many had hoped and prayed for, but he was a beautiful life. He was a chubby little baby with big full lips and beautiful skin. He did all of the things Dr. M. said to be impossible. He looked deep into our eyes as we held him. He made soft noises and sweet facial expressions. His little hands wrapped around our fingers and he squeezed tight. We were able to share him with so many people who loved him and had believed and prayed for him. We dedicated him to the Lord and it was such a powerful moment.

Another moment, I will never forget is when Dr. M. stood over me while I was holding the son he thought to be too difficult for a young mother to handle. I asked if he wanted to hold him and he did. He held him close and kissed him on the cheek. He gave me a look, that can't be described in words, but asked for forgiveness.

Soon after, Judah seemed to weaken. I remember holding him close to my face and as I closed my eyes, I prayed that if he was experiencing any pain that God would take him, because we were so blessed to have even a minute of time with him. I thanked God for allowing me to hold and love him. I whispered how much I loved him in his ear. I passed him to his Daddy for his turn and shortly after, he took his last breath. Judah Asher lived 6 1/2 hours.

The question I get asked most often is "How do you cope?" The only answer is that I have a God who loves me in spite of my weakness. I have times of pain and sorrow, but God has truly turned my mourning into laughter. He didn't just stop with Judah, he blessed us with two more little miracle boys. They have stories all their own and I can't wait to share them.


Jeremiah 29:11- "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."