Hard.

Some days, you are minding your own business, making dinner and chatting away with your Hubby when something happens. This something finally happened tonight. I knew it was coming, and even with time to prepare, I wasn't. 

My little Lovey came running after me saying, "Please Mommy, help my Bobo!" I run to their room assuming Izzy had been hurt, and when I found him sobbing in the corner, I assumed I was right. I was wrong. His first few sentences weren't understandable, but then I saw he was holding a photo album of baby Judah. He was hurt... it was just in his heart. I wrapped my arms around his limp body and he shook from his core. After a few minutes, he explains he was looking at pictures and he is hurting so badly because doesn't God know we love Judah? Did God forget I need my big brother here, not in heaven? Why do my friends get all their brothers not me? Why do some people get sick then healthy, but some people get sick and die? Doesn't God know we need him? 

I thought I would pass out, because my heart literally crushed before me.  The look on his face is a look I know so well. Grief. His body was uncontrollable and the crying was from the innermost places of his heart.  I could feel his pain as I held him. All of those hard questions, I was left to answer.  How do you answer those kinds of questions to a 6 year old? I wish I had some awesome response, but instead I just listened. I told him "Mommy understands." "I'm so sorry your heart hurts." "God knows our hearts and our aches and very soon we will get to reunite with our Judah and you won't feel like this ever again." 

Tonight, I'm thankful that my hugs and kisses were enough because nothing felt like the right answer. Sometimes, even though you know it's coming, there is just no right answer, no preparing. Sometimes, it is better to listen, then speak. Sometimes, people just need to be held and told it is okay to let it all out. 

That happened tonight, all while dinner was on the stove. 

Leave it to Asher to break the thickness. He walked right up to Izzy and said, "Bobo, I so sorry you sad. I sad too. I miss baby Judah too, but I not crying like a baaaaaby!" Our tears turned to giggles as my little comedian found the smiles in the midst of grief. Thankful, that there is joy even in mourning. Thankful for supporting and loving friends and GRACE, because I needed it tonight. 

Here is hoping that in your hard times, you are able to find a smile too.