Tough Questions. Sweet Answers.

Today was a day I always knew would come and I always prayed for wisdom for when it did. During breakfast, Izzy asked (out of nowhere might I add) "Momma, tell me about the day Judah died. I know he died, but you never told me what happened that day. I want to know everything."

That is one heavy way to start the day. I took a deep breath and asked for the right words and then it just flowed out. Much different, than I had always imagined, but in a way that he understood. I didn't cover up the hard facts, I told him the truth. I told him how I birthed Judah and how the nurses gave him to us right away. We held, loved and kissed him for hours. I changed his clothes and prayed over him. After a while, Daddy was holding him and he slowed his breathing and we knew it was time. Shortly after, he took his last breath and he went to heaven. I was about to go on and tell him a few more details, when I looked up to see his eyes begin to fill with tears. I stopped, and took another deep breath before asking if something was wrong? He wiped his face and then said softly, "I'm okay, but it is just that I am so glad I have pictures of him. I would be so sad if I didn't have pictures. *long pause for thinking* Momma, it just makes me so sad. Like, so sad. It just isn't fair I only get to have my one brother. I am 'posed to have more."

Yep, that is how my morning started. Rip my heart out! It was really difficult for me to keep it together, especially since I am in the midst of reading "I Will Carry You" and all of those feelings are just at the tip of my throat ready to explode out. When I looked at his sweet little face and teary eyes, I knew he just needed some time to grieve on his own, without me taking any attention away with my own feelings. Hard, but necessary.

When Izzy was a baby, I used to think about these days and how I would have the strength to relay Judah's story. What I didn't imagine, is just how often Izzy asks about the brother that he was never able to meet. Easily, he talks about him 4 or 5 times a week. To some, this might bother them, but to me, it is a sweet relief that my precious one is not forgotten and my boys hold him in their heart just as I do.

Never one to shy away about hearing about his self, he asked for his birth story. That is another emotional story for me to tell, and as I looked in his eyes it was nearly impossible to not sob my way through it. I have told him since he was a baby just how special he is and how God sent him as a very special early gift for me and Daddy. He knows the story, but he wanted the details. What did the nurses do? Why did they keep me so long at the hospital? Why didn't he get to go home right away? Then when I was able to tell him, how I visited him in the NICU, three times a day, every single day for three weeks and I would rock him and talk to him and feed him, he burst into a bright beam of light. He absolutely loved the thought of just him and I, rocking away with no distractions. Then he told me, "Momma, I didn't ever want to tell you this before, but that hospital was scary. I didn't like waiting on you. There was lots of beeping and noises and the other babies were too loud. They cried all of the time and I just wanted you to come back and get me. The nurses made it dark and I didn't like being there even though they were very nice to me." I didn't know quite what to say! I don't believe I have ever talked about all the machines and the beeping and the other babies....who knows. Either way, the look on his face when hearing his story was priceless. I think I will have to write a little book for him so he can read it over and over.

Of course, he couldn't leave out our little Lovey. I told him how Asher's was the easiest of all because he was absolutely healthy. There was only one scary thing, and that was that he had a large bump on his head and we had to wait to take him to a specialist. Turns out, it was just his position and everything was fine. You can still feel the bump (although it is much smaller), but he has so much hair you can't see it. :) He laughed at first, and then he got teary again!! When I asked what these tears were about he said, "It's just that Ashey was just so cute. He had the littlest hands and his face was so soft. I just miss him like that." Me too, buddy!

Every once and a while, it is wonderful to retell your kids their story. It made Izzy beam to hear all about how much he was wanted and loved and it made me think back to those moments where I was living literally second to second and so appreciative of it all. Today when I was out with my boys and their friends, I watched as they played like big boys and I silently thanked God for answered prayers. Today started out a little emotional, but I am so grateful for Izzy's questions. It helped to refocus me and remind me just how much I have to be thankful for and that is always a great mindset to start your day.

Izzy's Quote of the Day: After telling him his story, (crying) he says, "Momma, I just want you to know you are just the best. You are always making me the best snacks, you are a good cooker and you always make us have fun every day. I am just so glad I got you. And thanks for taking good care of me in the hospital when I was too early. You are just...*dramatic pause* too good for me because you love me even when I am naughty. You just love me no matter what."

Asher's Quote of the Day: While tapping my watch he says, "Momma, you know time is? It's time for kisses!!!" (Followed by tons of hugs and kisses)

If you couldn't tell, I've had a pretty terrific day. :) Love my boys!