Bittersweet.

I have been a little sensitive and emotional this week, with good reason.

1. My Grandpa passed away last Friday. Technically he was my "Step" as he was my Grandma's second husband, but he was the only Grandpa I knew as a child. All of my family memories are woven with him as a main character and to think that my kids haven't had a chance to know him because of illness and will grow up without his humor make me very sad. It is also so sad to realize I am getting to an age that my Grandparents are passing more quickly and my time remaining with them is short. I am even more sad, that 2 weeks ago when we went to visit him out of town, we missed him by less than an hour not knowing that was our last chance at seeing him, thanking him for wonderful memories and saying a final Good-bye.

2. In my last post, I told you how Hubby had successfully completed his 2nd year of Medical School and now we are just looking at 2 years of clinicals before his Graduation. This makes me so happy, but I get emotional every time I think of it. Look how far we have come. We will have been married 11 years in September and 7 of that has been working towards this goal. This huge milestone brings such a huge feeling of achievement, but for this Mommy a heavy slap of remembering just exactly why all of this came to pass in the first place. My Judah. It is almost 7 years and I can't believe we have survived without him, let alone lived a successful and blessed life.

3. Mothers Day. The ultimate in bittersweetness. OH how blessed I am to have my boys and to have the chance to hold them on such a special day. To have memories of becoming their mother and to know the pure joy they have brought to my life. I can close my eyes and remember the absolutely pain, sickness and agony of not knowing if I would ever be able to celebrate this day. But here I am, 3 beautiful boys. There are no words really to explain what happens to a Mother who has buried a child. Mothers Day is one that just takes that broken heart and just twists it. I know that I this blog is full of posts that are bi-polar, full of super highs and the lowest lows, but so is life. This week I try to focus on all that God has given me and the tremendous blessings in my life including my short time with Judah. I would be remiss to not be honest and say that these days hurt as well.

Yesterday, my sweet Izzy came home from school with a huge grin on his face. He asked me to close my eyes and promise not to peek. I sat on the living room floor waiting patiently, for what I knew was a early Mothers Day gift. When he finally said, I could open my eyes, I found a huge hand-made card with a giant fingerprint flower in a pot that said "Happy Mothers Day!" Inside was a picture he had drawn of us scuba diving (? Hate to say, but I am too panicky for that ever to become a reality.), with hearts floating above the ocean and "I love Mom" written in huge letters above the top. On the opposite page was a questionnaire about me. What is something your Mom does to make you feel special? - "She makes me a lots of birthday parties, even when it isn't my birthday." What is the best food your Mom makes for you?-"Pizza and Corn dogs...I love corn dogs." (I never make corn dogs. That totally made me laugh.) Tell me about your Mom. "She has brown hair, with light colors in the back (...no I don't), brown eyes, she weighs 80 lbs ( I <3 him) and she is 11 ft tall."

I seriously tried to contain my sobbing because it was so sweet, but why do my thoughts always go to my sadness that it was the very first school card I have received. I miss getting things like that from my would be 1st grader, and having 3 boys to smother in kisses in the afternoon after school. But I am so thankful to get one at all.

Kids are like Dogs...stay with me. Dogs can sense everything, sickness, fear, emotions and change. Kids are the same. My Ash has been tagged lovey, since he was a newborn for his cuddly ways. This week, I think he has sensed my heartache, and has spent the entire week saying unprompted "I Yove You Mama", giving my back rubs and snuggling really closely. Just what I needed. Between my lovey and Bobo's unending kindness and art work, I am going to be ok this weekend.

Praying all of you Mommies get all of the recognition and appreciation you deserve and days filled with hugs and slobbery kisses. For those who have lost a child, or who are still waiting for the Mommy dream to become reality, I pray for peace and fullness on this very bittersweet day.